sip of orange juice
20 oz water
apple cinnamon oatmeal - 150
peanut butter sandwich - 400
strawberry yogurt - 150
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
2/10/11 - huge changes
20 oz bottle of water
apple cinnamon instant oatmeal - 200
greek peach yogurt - 150
burger king veggie burger (no mayo) - 350
this has 3 million mg (actually 960 mg) of sodium. bad. bad. i couldn't think of anything healthier on my way up to my other office. i was freaking out pretty soundly. I GOT A NEW JOB TODAY!!!
peanut butter and jelly sandwich - 500?
glass of orange juice - 250?
decaf coffee with skim and maple syrup - 100?
bowl of frozen stir fry veggies, plain - 100?
apple cinnamon instant oatmeal - 200
greek peach yogurt - 150
burger king veggie burger (no mayo) - 350
this has 3 million mg (actually 960 mg) of sodium. bad. bad. i couldn't think of anything healthier on my way up to my other office. i was freaking out pretty soundly. I GOT A NEW JOB TODAY!!!
peanut butter and jelly sandwich - 500?
glass of orange juice - 250?
decaf coffee with skim and maple syrup - 100?
bowl of frozen stir fry veggies, plain - 100?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
2/9/11 - overwhelmed
i have been so overwhelmed with life lately that i haven't had any chance to keep my food journal. this last week has been more action-packed than any in my immediate history. crazy. maybe i'll be able to talk about it all soon. we'll see. so, basically, the food journal was bottom of the priority list. although eating right is more important than ever. i thought about trying to go back to the weekend and remembering everything i ate, but it's nearly impossible and the idea of it fills me with anxiety, so nope. not gonna do it. i was doing so well for a while, too.
i'm a little sad because they say that 30 days of anything makes it a habit and i fell off the wagon with filling in this blog on like the 29th day...
anyway, today, day whatever:
bran cereal - 200?
greek yogurt, peach - 150
1 20 oz bottle of water
macaroni and cheese - 300
vegan, no preservatives from natural food patch, a little high in sodium though
steamed cauliflower - 100
nick steamed it with chicken stock. dude. what a wonderful idea! it tasted great and didn't need any additional salt or sauce or anything.
medium apple - 100
2nd 20 oz bottle of water
spoonful of peanut butter - 200
piece of sprouted pullman - 100
veggie burger - 100
skim milk - 50
we looked at houses (1 was ok and the other was the WEIRDEST layout i've ever seen) and then we went to last wednesdays at Josephine. 6 course, gourmet french meal for $30? you can't beat it!
spinach provencal on baguette - 200?
nicoise salad - 200?
sorbet (pallet cleanser) - 100?
duck a L'orange with duchess potatoes and green beans - 1000?
i didn't eat the skin or finish the meal... no idea how many calories.
1/2 glass of cabernet - 100
vanilla bean ice cream with orange glaze - 400?
lots o water
3300 total ish?
i'm a little sad because they say that 30 days of anything makes it a habit and i fell off the wagon with filling in this blog on like the 29th day...
anyway, today, day whatever:
bran cereal - 200?
greek yogurt, peach - 150
1 20 oz bottle of water
macaroni and cheese - 300
vegan, no preservatives from natural food patch, a little high in sodium though
steamed cauliflower - 100
nick steamed it with chicken stock. dude. what a wonderful idea! it tasted great and didn't need any additional salt or sauce or anything.
medium apple - 100
2nd 20 oz bottle of water
spoonful of peanut butter - 200
piece of sprouted pullman - 100
veggie burger - 100
skim milk - 50
we looked at houses (1 was ok and the other was the WEIRDEST layout i've ever seen) and then we went to last wednesdays at Josephine. 6 course, gourmet french meal for $30? you can't beat it!
spinach provencal on baguette - 200?
nicoise salad - 200?
sorbet (pallet cleanser) - 100?
duck a L'orange with duchess potatoes and green beans - 1000?
i didn't eat the skin or finish the meal... no idea how many calories.
1/2 glass of cabernet - 100
vanilla bean ice cream with orange glaze - 400?
lots o water
3300 total ish?
Sunday, February 6, 2011
day ? - (Sun.)
Bran cereal, Milk, Frozen vegetables with tofurkey, Simply orange orange juice, Mcdonalds sprite and chicken snack wrap, Lettuce wrap with hummus chicken taboule, natural food patch macaroni and cheese with chicken
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My life solely in relation to food
Essentially this is the journal of my life with one caviat. This journal is very simply my life as seen in relation to food.
I've never really been very open about this part of my life. It's something new I'm trying. We'll see.
Factors affecting this journal (from the onset at least, i'm sure they might change or grow):
1. I lived a large portion of my life eating less than 800 calories a day
2. I lived another portion of my life binging and purging (with some overlap)
3. Now I tend to live my life fluctuating between "less that 800" and binging
4. Purging hasn't been a part of my life for a while, but that makes the binging that much worse for my self-esteem
5. Food is one of my favorite things
6. Food is one of the things I hate the most
7. I drink to "unwind" on a regular basis
8. The number 1 activity that my friends, family and I love to share is having an indulgent meal with indulgent drinks
9. My husband is a very talented chef
10. The doctor told me to lose weight, lower my cholesterol, watch my blood pressure, excersize more, eat less salt, eat more nutritious food
11. I am at least 30 pounds overweight for my age, height and build. I would like to lose 60.
12. At times, my appearance / weight is more important to me than my health.
13. I am aware that my husband and I's currently fictitous, possible future baby, aptly named Game Changer (Changer for short), will change many of these priorities. But how exactly?
14. Skinny equals happy.
Here I go...
I've never really been very open about this part of my life. It's something new I'm trying. We'll see.
Factors affecting this journal (from the onset at least, i'm sure they might change or grow):
1. I lived a large portion of my life eating less than 800 calories a day
2. I lived another portion of my life binging and purging (with some overlap)
3. Now I tend to live my life fluctuating between "less that 800" and binging
4. Purging hasn't been a part of my life for a while, but that makes the binging that much worse for my self-esteem
5. Food is one of my favorite things
6. Food is one of the things I hate the most
7. I drink to "unwind" on a regular basis
8. The number 1 activity that my friends, family and I love to share is having an indulgent meal with indulgent drinks
9. My husband is a very talented chef
10. The doctor told me to lose weight, lower my cholesterol, watch my blood pressure, excersize more, eat less salt, eat more nutritious food
11. I am at least 30 pounds overweight for my age, height and build. I would like to lose 60.
12. At times, my appearance / weight is more important to me than my health.
13. I am aware that my husband and I's currently fictitous, possible future baby, aptly named Game Changer (Changer for short), will change many of these priorities. But how exactly?
14. Skinny equals happy.
Here I go...
Friday, February 4, 2011
Day 30 - Food as a gift (Fri.)
office coffee with powdered creamer and real sugar - 100?
blueberry bagel - 200?
this was not planned at all. the drivers brought it to me. i'm completely unable to turn down food-as-a-gift. it's a weakness that i can't stand about myself. even if i don't really like it. even if i could just throw it away when the gifter isn't looking. i end up eating it anyway. it's free. it's a sweet gesture. i can't help it.
same goes for free food in general. for some reason my brain goes, "it's FREE! make sure you take the most advantage of this free, generous act as you can." this happens at choir when people bring stuff like cheese and crackers or toffee candy in. this happens when we have a meeting at work and i eat 4 pieces of deep dish pizza instead of the 2 i would normally eat. this happens if i stay at a hotel that offers continental breakfast included in the room rate.
i STUFF myself. i "make it worth my while." god, gross.
blueberry bagel - 200?
this was not planned at all. the drivers brought it to me. i'm completely unable to turn down food-as-a-gift. it's a weakness that i can't stand about myself. even if i don't really like it. even if i could just throw it away when the gifter isn't looking. i end up eating it anyway. it's free. it's a sweet gesture. i can't help it.
same goes for free food in general. for some reason my brain goes, "it's FREE! make sure you take the most advantage of this free, generous act as you can." this happens at choir when people bring stuff like cheese and crackers or toffee candy in. this happens when we have a meeting at work and i eat 4 pieces of deep dish pizza instead of the 2 i would normally eat. this happens if i stay at a hotel that offers continental breakfast included in the room rate.
i STUFF myself. i "make it worth my while." god, gross.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Day 29 - Snacky food (Thurs.)
1 20 oz bottle of water - 0
it's been too long. my lips are dry.
3 wings - 600?
i heated up 4 of them. i actually thought i would eat them and then heat up more, but i couldnt' even finish the first 4. i sat in the lunch room by myself, super happy that no one was around. i tried to eat them with a fork and knife. i broke 2 tines off the plastic fork. i was making a mess and getting sauce under my finger nails. it was making me feel disgusted for so many reasons. i just really hate eating with my fingers. and i hate anyone watching me eat messy food.
so of course, coworkers started coming in. i wish i had eaten at my desk, but i hate that too. i basically had to stop eating to talk to them, and by the time they left, i just threw the 4th wing away. it was kinda cold and i just couldn't eat it. it was too much trouble.
apple - 100
1 macaroon - 150?
left over kung pao chicken with fried rice - 800?
2 sam adams - 400?
1 glass red wine - 200?
then i sat on the couch and repeatedly said things like, "i wish we had some snacky food." i never ended up getting any snacky food but Nick suggested a few ideas (all too much work in my opinion) and then said, "you ALWAYS say, 'i wish we had some snacky food.'" i guess he's right now that i think about it. i'm one of those cliche people who wants to munch on crap when i'm sitting around. that is not good at all. i'm aware of it, but awareness doesn't do any good.
2250 total-ish?
it's been too long. my lips are dry.
3 wings - 600?
i heated up 4 of them. i actually thought i would eat them and then heat up more, but i couldnt' even finish the first 4. i sat in the lunch room by myself, super happy that no one was around. i tried to eat them with a fork and knife. i broke 2 tines off the plastic fork. i was making a mess and getting sauce under my finger nails. it was making me feel disgusted for so many reasons. i just really hate eating with my fingers. and i hate anyone watching me eat messy food.
so of course, coworkers started coming in. i wish i had eaten at my desk, but i hate that too. i basically had to stop eating to talk to them, and by the time they left, i just threw the 4th wing away. it was kinda cold and i just couldn't eat it. it was too much trouble.
apple - 100
1 macaroon - 150?
left over kung pao chicken with fried rice - 800?
2 sam adams - 400?
1 glass red wine - 200?
then i sat on the couch and repeatedly said things like, "i wish we had some snacky food." i never ended up getting any snacky food but Nick suggested a few ideas (all too much work in my opinion) and then said, "you ALWAYS say, 'i wish we had some snacky food.'" i guess he's right now that i think about it. i'm one of those cliche people who wants to munch on crap when i'm sitting around. that is not good at all. i'm aware of it, but awareness doesn't do any good.
2250 total-ish?
Day 28 - Snow day binge (Wed.)
nothing at all productive today. didn't do laundry, work out, eat well, read, explore.... etc. what's funny is that we got chinese and my fortune said something like, "the things you do today are good." really? wow. i guess it's nice to have a cookie tell you that the bad decisions you made throughout the day are actually good ones. thanks fortune cookie.
now this is going to be hard, cause i'm writing a day late and yesterday was basically a food/drink/lay-in-bed/lay-on-the-couch fest.
apple cinnamon oatmeal with real blueberries - 200?
hell yeah, started out well. nick brought it to me in bed. awww...
chickory coffee with milk and simple syrup - 200?
cheesy hamburger helper with bocca instead of meat - 800?
this actually would have been really healthy(ish) but nick used chicken stock instead of water and it was WAY salty. so he had to add cream, corn starch and some other crapola to fix it. i feel kinda bad that i was mean in response. but on the other hand, how many times do i have to tell him that if i want RAMEN, i don't want it all mucked up with fancy-schmancy flavors, condiments, etc? same goes for hamburger helper. i want it out of the box into my bowl. it WAS awfully nice of him to cook a couple meals for me though. :)
diet 7-up - 0
2 glasses of red wine - 300?
then i got a craving. i have no idea why it sounded so good, but i REALLY wanted chinese or thai. it turned out bangkok express was closed (probably because of the snow) so we got chinese next to blockbuster. it was a binge day both in money and food. i felt guilty and happy. conflicted.
1/2 dinner roll - 100?
why would a chinese place give us dinner rolls?
1 spring roll - 400?
half carton of kung pao chicken medium with fried rice - 1000?
3 sam adams - 500?
hardly moved from the couch. watched that owls movie, the guardians of ga'hoole or whatever. i liked it a lot. very secret of nimh. we also marathoned sex and the city. we watched something like 10 epsiodes? maybe more?
i LOVE sitting at home with nick doing nothing. it makes me feel really bad that that's what we're into: sitting on the couch and watching movies or reading books. i feel like we should change. we should become those people who are really into mountain climbing or hiking or at least bike riding. but what better day to excuse laziness than one where the world is covered in mounds of fresh snow?
3500 total-ish. omg. bad news. many many calories consumed and hardly any expounded.
now this is going to be hard, cause i'm writing a day late and yesterday was basically a food/drink/lay-in-bed/lay-on-the-couch fest.
apple cinnamon oatmeal with real blueberries - 200?
hell yeah, started out well. nick brought it to me in bed. awww...
chickory coffee with milk and simple syrup - 200?
cheesy hamburger helper with bocca instead of meat - 800?
this actually would have been really healthy(ish) but nick used chicken stock instead of water and it was WAY salty. so he had to add cream, corn starch and some other crapola to fix it. i feel kinda bad that i was mean in response. but on the other hand, how many times do i have to tell him that if i want RAMEN, i don't want it all mucked up with fancy-schmancy flavors, condiments, etc? same goes for hamburger helper. i want it out of the box into my bowl. it WAS awfully nice of him to cook a couple meals for me though. :)
diet 7-up - 0
2 glasses of red wine - 300?
then i got a craving. i have no idea why it sounded so good, but i REALLY wanted chinese or thai. it turned out bangkok express was closed (probably because of the snow) so we got chinese next to blockbuster. it was a binge day both in money and food. i felt guilty and happy. conflicted.
1/2 dinner roll - 100?
why would a chinese place give us dinner rolls?
1 spring roll - 400?
half carton of kung pao chicken medium with fried rice - 1000?
3 sam adams - 500?
hardly moved from the couch. watched that owls movie, the guardians of ga'hoole or whatever. i liked it a lot. very secret of nimh. we also marathoned sex and the city. we watched something like 10 epsiodes? maybe more?
i LOVE sitting at home with nick doing nothing. it makes me feel really bad that that's what we're into: sitting on the couch and watching movies or reading books. i feel like we should change. we should become those people who are really into mountain climbing or hiking or at least bike riding. but what better day to excuse laziness than one where the world is covered in mounds of fresh snow?
3500 total-ish. omg. bad news. many many calories consumed and hardly any expounded.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Day 27 - (Tues.)
1 large grapefruit - 200
i brought wings for lunch. i'm stressed about how to eat them. i hate eating with my hands, i don't like eating the skin and have to pick it off and i don't really like eating in front of people in general, especially when it's something really messy. i'm going to have to eat in my cubicle, and i HATE that.
well, i didn't end up having to worry about it. i went out with a coworker and client for lunch.
caesar salad - 300?
french bread - 300?
manacotti - 1000?
yeah, i shouldn't have eaten it all.
nick is on this no red meat kick, so for dinner we had veggie food. it was actually pretty good.
lettuce wraps with bocca, hommus and taboule - 300?
1 arcadia beer - 200?
2 glasses red wine - 200?
2500 total-ish
i brought wings for lunch. i'm stressed about how to eat them. i hate eating with my hands, i don't like eating the skin and have to pick it off and i don't really like eating in front of people in general, especially when it's something really messy. i'm going to have to eat in my cubicle, and i HATE that.
well, i didn't end up having to worry about it. i went out with a coworker and client for lunch.
caesar salad - 300?
french bread - 300?
manacotti - 1000?
yeah, i shouldn't have eaten it all.
nick is on this no red meat kick, so for dinner we had veggie food. it was actually pretty good.
lettuce wraps with bocca, hommus and taboule - 300?
1 arcadia beer - 200?
2 glasses red wine - 200?
2500 total-ish
Monday, January 31, 2011
Day 26 - no time to eat, much (Mon.)
coffee with white hot chocolate - 100
apple cinnamon instant oatmeal - 150
Wendy's baked potato plain - 300
small Apple Pecan Chicken Salad - 450
i have to say, i really love wendy's nutition website. SO easy to use and it has ALL the details. a calorie counter's dream!
peach greek yogurt - 150
when i got home i was waiting for nick to finish dinner before i had to run off to choir. traffic was bad, i got home late and i only had about 5 minutes to eat, so i grazed. i can't remember everything but the major things were:
1 coconut macaroon - 200?
bowl of smart start with skim - 250?
couple bites of chocolate peanut butter cake - 200?
something else, i swear. i can't remember... - ?
then there were snacks at choir, which sometimes i'm able to resist. but i wasn't this time.
wheat thins with provalone - 300?
Rose's toffee crunch - 400?
i got home and felt starved-slash-full, whatever that means. i was very ambivalent about whether i wanted to eat the wings that nick had made for me to eat when i got home. i didn't end up having any. i didn't have anything actually. it was already 9:30, so i'm glad i didn't.
2500+ total-ish?
apple cinnamon instant oatmeal - 150
Wendy's baked potato plain - 300
small Apple Pecan Chicken Salad - 450
i have to say, i really love wendy's nutition website. SO easy to use and it has ALL the details. a calorie counter's dream!
peach greek yogurt - 150
when i got home i was waiting for nick to finish dinner before i had to run off to choir. traffic was bad, i got home late and i only had about 5 minutes to eat, so i grazed. i can't remember everything but the major things were:
1 coconut macaroon - 200?
bowl of smart start with skim - 250?
couple bites of chocolate peanut butter cake - 200?
something else, i swear. i can't remember... - ?
then there were snacks at choir, which sometimes i'm able to resist. but i wasn't this time.
wheat thins with provalone - 300?
Rose's toffee crunch - 400?
i got home and felt starved-slash-full, whatever that means. i was very ambivalent about whether i wanted to eat the wings that nick had made for me to eat when i got home. i didn't end up having any. i didn't have anything actually. it was already 9:30, so i'm glad i didn't.
2500+ total-ish?
Day 25 - "Omg, I'm starving." (Sun.)
slept late.
more leftover pizza. eff. even *I* can't eat THAT much pizza.
2 pieces - 600?
then concertness, then eat out with mom and Nick.
at least 20 pieces of sushi of all sorts, ginger salad & miso soup - 1700?
could be way less or way more... there was tempura and cream cheese involved in some of them, but others were way healthy. no idea... Asahi Sushi in Clinton Twp was awesome though. MOM even ate a piece of tempura salmon with cream cheese!
2 japanese beers - 400?
2 arcadia beers at home - 400?
chocolate with peanut butter - 600?
omg. for not eating most of the day, wow.
I must have said, “I’m starving,” at least 3 times at the sushi place yesterday. Mom and Nick kept saying, I’m not that hungry. And in response I’d be like, well, I’m STARVING.
I need to get this feeling and this phrase out of my life. First, it’s my fault for hardly eating all day, then I feel like I AM starving, even though I have no real idea what that concept is like. Not like I’m a starving child in a 3rd world country. I’m just a whiny middle class American.
Second, the phrase makes me feel empowered to eat whatever I want, pig out. My stomach told my brain, I hardly ate anything today, so I feel like I’m starving, so I should be able to eat until I’m stuffed. And then my brain says, it totally makes sense, stomach, I agree with you. Then I overeat, and I feel like somehow it’s warranted or forgiven, even though I go back to put the totals down and I cringe. I mean, I completely flinch. It makes typing the words and the numbers painful. Ugh.
then i realize that this food diary makes me rethink a very fun and satisfying experience as negative. shit. i had a great time at dinner. now after typing this it's all colored black in my memory.
3700 total-ish. sick. (but yummy. i'm trying to console myself because a lot of the food was relatively healthy (fish and veggies and rice...))
more leftover pizza. eff. even *I* can't eat THAT much pizza.
2 pieces - 600?
then concertness, then eat out with mom and Nick.
at least 20 pieces of sushi of all sorts, ginger salad & miso soup - 1700?
could be way less or way more... there was tempura and cream cheese involved in some of them, but others were way healthy. no idea... Asahi Sushi in Clinton Twp was awesome though. MOM even ate a piece of tempura salmon with cream cheese!
2 japanese beers - 400?
2 arcadia beers at home - 400?
chocolate with peanut butter - 600?
omg. for not eating most of the day, wow.
I must have said, “I’m starving,” at least 3 times at the sushi place yesterday. Mom and Nick kept saying, I’m not that hungry. And in response I’d be like, well, I’m STARVING.
I need to get this feeling and this phrase out of my life. First, it’s my fault for hardly eating all day, then I feel like I AM starving, even though I have no real idea what that concept is like. Not like I’m a starving child in a 3rd world country. I’m just a whiny middle class American.
Second, the phrase makes me feel empowered to eat whatever I want, pig out. My stomach told my brain, I hardly ate anything today, so I feel like I’m starving, so I should be able to eat until I’m stuffed. And then my brain says, it totally makes sense, stomach, I agree with you. Then I overeat, and I feel like somehow it’s warranted or forgiven, even though I go back to put the totals down and I cringe. I mean, I completely flinch. It makes typing the words and the numbers painful. Ugh.
then i realize that this food diary makes me rethink a very fun and satisfying experience as negative. shit. i had a great time at dinner. now after typing this it's all colored black in my memory.
3700 total-ish. sick. (but yummy. i'm trying to console myself because a lot of the food was relatively healthy (fish and veggies and rice...))
Day 24 - (Sat.)
Slept late.
Leftover pizza for breakfast – 400?
Chicken cacciatore with mashed potatoes - 700?
yum, nick's residents eat well... :)
then the fam showed up and we got hot n readys for the bunch before the hockey game and ballet.
3 pieces hot n ready - 900?
glass of white wine - 200?
at the ballet :)
pint of double IPA - 200?
detroit beer company
black and white bean dip with corn chips - 300?
only (not really ONLY, but i feel like i ate and drank a lot) 2700 total-ish? hmmm... doesn't sound right.
Leftover pizza for breakfast – 400?
Chicken cacciatore with mashed potatoes - 700?
yum, nick's residents eat well... :)
then the fam showed up and we got hot n readys for the bunch before the hockey game and ballet.
3 pieces hot n ready - 900?
glass of white wine - 200?
at the ballet :)
pint of double IPA - 200?
detroit beer company
black and white bean dip with corn chips - 300?
only (not really ONLY, but i feel like i ate and drank a lot) 2700 total-ish? hmmm... doesn't sound right.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Self Loathing: Part 3
Someday I will be who I am and not who they want me to be:
i'm a realist bordering on pessimism and i am HIGHLY self critical, and on top of all that, i think i may be manic (self diagnosed of course) from time to time. in other words, what i really love one day, i might not be able to stand the next. (some days i'm pretty and some days i'm a troll).
now, all of this would be bad enough on it's own, but i've run into another problem since my book became available. i had consciously, and painstakingly decided not to edit out any of the more controversial themes / poems in my book because in my mind, they are some of my strongest examples of life (and of my writing). but in my messed up little cranium, i actually had this novel belief that the people buying my book would be STRANGERS. not my best friend's dad or my aunt with 2 teenagers. it really freaks me out! and i know that my parents would be infinitely happy if they knew (no, they don't know at the moment) that i published a book, but then the contents might just crush them. or maybe it wouldn't...? i just don't know.
what its almost like in my head is a very minor version of coming out. PLEASE don't hate me for saying that, because i can't even begin to understand how hard telling your family and friends you're gay must be, but this book is almost like my own tiny coming out party.
i've never been very good at taking criticism, which, you might point out to me, is not a very easy trait for a writer to have. but i'm sensitive, even though i pretend not to be, and i worry (constantly) about almost everything. so with my aunt (who already has the book on the way to her house) telling me that the book "sounds dirty" just based on the name, and the fact that a few of the poems on the inside are actually a lot dirtier than the name of the book, i'm a little anxiety ridden.
at this point i almost wish i could heavily self medicate and hold my own book signing. get it all out there in the open. declare myself a writer with a occasionally dirty and fractured mind. tell them all who i am, and stop apologizing.
easier said than done.
Getting old:
it's sad that i identify so well with high school students. i mean, crap, one of my favorite blogs to follow is written by a teenager. i get REALLY freaked out when i realize that some time soon teenagers are going to look at me and instead of thinking she's a little older than me, they'll be thinking, why is that old woman wearing those hip clothes with tattoos and piercings and saying dude and rad? omg. HUGE fear. but i have to say that i don't do or say those things BECAUSE i'm trying to be a certain way. that's just how i am... sometimes when i sit at school i feel so in tune with the other students, and at other times i feel like i'm a million years older with my developing wrinkles, my wedding ring, my melding of work clothes with a sweatshirt or tennis shoes to downplay the workness of them. do they notice? do they assume me different? they know james is 22... am i a lot older to them? most of them don't seem much younger than me... but i guess i do do a lot of "old people" stuff too. as much as i do young people stuff.
what people think of me:
people mistakenly think i am very self-confident. i find that out from people now - they thought i was so confident and strong my whole life - it's so strange how much of a mask i always wore, and not even on purpose most of the time.
i'm a realist bordering on pessimism and i am HIGHLY self critical, and on top of all that, i think i may be manic (self diagnosed of course) from time to time. in other words, what i really love one day, i might not be able to stand the next. (some days i'm pretty and some days i'm a troll).
now, all of this would be bad enough on it's own, but i've run into another problem since my book became available. i had consciously, and painstakingly decided not to edit out any of the more controversial themes / poems in my book because in my mind, they are some of my strongest examples of life (and of my writing). but in my messed up little cranium, i actually had this novel belief that the people buying my book would be STRANGERS. not my best friend's dad or my aunt with 2 teenagers. it really freaks me out! and i know that my parents would be infinitely happy if they knew (no, they don't know at the moment) that i published a book, but then the contents might just crush them. or maybe it wouldn't...? i just don't know.
what its almost like in my head is a very minor version of coming out. PLEASE don't hate me for saying that, because i can't even begin to understand how hard telling your family and friends you're gay must be, but this book is almost like my own tiny coming out party.
i've never been very good at taking criticism, which, you might point out to me, is not a very easy trait for a writer to have. but i'm sensitive, even though i pretend not to be, and i worry (constantly) about almost everything. so with my aunt (who already has the book on the way to her house) telling me that the book "sounds dirty" just based on the name, and the fact that a few of the poems on the inside are actually a lot dirtier than the name of the book, i'm a little anxiety ridden.
at this point i almost wish i could heavily self medicate and hold my own book signing. get it all out there in the open. declare myself a writer with a occasionally dirty and fractured mind. tell them all who i am, and stop apologizing.
easier said than done.
Getting old:
it's sad that i identify so well with high school students. i mean, crap, one of my favorite blogs to follow is written by a teenager. i get REALLY freaked out when i realize that some time soon teenagers are going to look at me and instead of thinking she's a little older than me, they'll be thinking, why is that old woman wearing those hip clothes with tattoos and piercings and saying dude and rad? omg. HUGE fear. but i have to say that i don't do or say those things BECAUSE i'm trying to be a certain way. that's just how i am... sometimes when i sit at school i feel so in tune with the other students, and at other times i feel like i'm a million years older with my developing wrinkles, my wedding ring, my melding of work clothes with a sweatshirt or tennis shoes to downplay the workness of them. do they notice? do they assume me different? they know james is 22... am i a lot older to them? most of them don't seem much younger than me... but i guess i do do a lot of "old people" stuff too. as much as i do young people stuff.
what people think of me:
people mistakenly think i am very self-confident. i find that out from people now - they thought i was so confident and strong my whole life - it's so strange how much of a mask i always wore, and not even on purpose most of the time.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Day 23 - of screen and stage (Fri.)
coffee with hot chocolate - 100
i'm DYING today. dragging. 4 hours of sleep. the "pilot" went well but, as i expected, took a million years (7 hours) to set up, film and tear down / clean up. omg. Larry is a total bullshitter. just because his hoes couldn't come? wow. bullshit. honestly, so glad we're not working with him.
still feel like dog poo. i need a nap and the day has just begun.
i might have to add a diet dr pepper to my coffeechocolate.
lite lemonade - 0?
chicken teriyake from Subway - 450
baked sour cream and onion lays - 140
the dude gave me my drink and chips free 'cause i waited in line so long and didn't bitch. how sweet! maybe today is a day good things happen. :)
i can't remember what i ate when i got home... dammit. left over pizza? yeah, it must've been... - 600?
i know i had 6 beers though - 1000?
comedy shows aren't usually funny without beer, and this one was especially brutal. at least the headliner was pretty funny.
2300 total-ish?
i'm DYING today. dragging. 4 hours of sleep. the "pilot" went well but, as i expected, took a million years (7 hours) to set up, film and tear down / clean up. omg. Larry is a total bullshitter. just because his hoes couldn't come? wow. bullshit. honestly, so glad we're not working with him.
still feel like dog poo. i need a nap and the day has just begun.
i might have to add a diet dr pepper to my coffeechocolate.
lite lemonade - 0?
chicken teriyake from Subway - 450
baked sour cream and onion lays - 140
the dude gave me my drink and chips free 'cause i waited in line so long and didn't bitch. how sweet! maybe today is a day good things happen. :)
i can't remember what i ate when i got home... dammit. left over pizza? yeah, it must've been... - 600?
i know i had 6 beers though - 1000?
comedy shows aren't usually funny without beer, and this one was especially brutal. at least the headliner was pretty funny.
2300 total-ish?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Day 22 - Food reduced to money (Thurs.)
couple sips of coffee with powdered creamer, real sugar - 50
i stopped at the gas station this morning and wanted to buy a yummy coffee, but after my binge yesterday (both calories and money) i decided against it. the office coffee wasn't cutting it though. i threw it away after a couple sips.
apple pear - 100
last one in the fridge. i'll have to move on to normal apples.
like i've said before, food/alcohol and money are so closely related in my mind. my self worth depends on one or both a lot of the time. they associate closely with guilt and pleasure in my mind.
eating food = spending money = indulgence = no willpower = disappointment
not eating = saving money = empowerment = no enjoyment = disappointment
no matter what = disappointment
i ration both food and money.
but sometimes i throw out all the rules and spend or binge.
eating food and spending money feels great while you're doing it.
then comes the crash of your next credit card bill or pants feeling too tight.
nobody likes a tightwad but everyone loves skinny people.
nobody likes a fatty but everyone loves a high roller.
never spending money and never eating is impossible.
life would be easier, but a lot less fun, if it was possible.
healthier food is more expensive.
1 greek yogurt with blueberries - 200
for someone who says money isn't the most important thing, man, do i think about it a lot. almost as much as i think about food. like, what if nick's pilot gets picked up and all of a sudden he's making more money than he ever has before? i don't even know how i'd handle that. i almost don't want it to happen on a large because of the stress that goes with having money and fame. so dumb. i guess i'm never happy no matter what. it's also really funny that this potential source of money essentially comes from food and alcohol. nick's food and david's alcohol.
wendy's small chili with one packet of saltines - 250
so back when i was going to Curves (i've pretty much tried every excersize and diet trend out there) there was this little article taped on one of the machines about the best fast foods to eat. the one that has always stuck with me was wendy's chili. when i'm watching what i eat i feel like i'm always eating sweet stuff - yogurt, fruit, oatmeal, etc. - and chili, well, that's salty, savory goodness. however, that's not the best part. nope. the best part is that it's $1.59 for a small. that's it. $1.69 with tax. so somehow, in this universe of you-get-one-or-the-other, somehow, there's both. just this once. a cheap, good for you fast food meal. holy crap.
so it's good that i had a relatively pious day at work, because the taping was basically a food fest (not surprising at all). i actually have no idea how many calories, but here are my best guesses...
10 square pieces dominoes thin crust - 1000
5 arcadia beers (assorted) - 1000
1 chicken wing - 200
5 coconut macaroons - 700
6 pieces french bread with spinach dip - 500
10 pretzels - 200
probably, realistically:
4200 total-ish.
i stopped at the gas station this morning and wanted to buy a yummy coffee, but after my binge yesterday (both calories and money) i decided against it. the office coffee wasn't cutting it though. i threw it away after a couple sips.
apple pear - 100
last one in the fridge. i'll have to move on to normal apples.
like i've said before, food/alcohol and money are so closely related in my mind. my self worth depends on one or both a lot of the time. they associate closely with guilt and pleasure in my mind.
eating food = spending money = indulgence = no willpower = disappointment
not eating = saving money = empowerment = no enjoyment = disappointment
no matter what = disappointment
i ration both food and money.
but sometimes i throw out all the rules and spend or binge.
eating food and spending money feels great while you're doing it.
then comes the crash of your next credit card bill or pants feeling too tight.
nobody likes a tightwad but everyone loves skinny people.
nobody likes a fatty but everyone loves a high roller.
never spending money and never eating is impossible.
life would be easier, but a lot less fun, if it was possible.
healthier food is more expensive.
1 greek yogurt with blueberries - 200
for someone who says money isn't the most important thing, man, do i think about it a lot. almost as much as i think about food. like, what if nick's pilot gets picked up and all of a sudden he's making more money than he ever has before? i don't even know how i'd handle that. i almost don't want it to happen on a large because of the stress that goes with having money and fame. so dumb. i guess i'm never happy no matter what. it's also really funny that this potential source of money essentially comes from food and alcohol. nick's food and david's alcohol.
wendy's small chili with one packet of saltines - 250
so back when i was going to Curves (i've pretty much tried every excersize and diet trend out there) there was this little article taped on one of the machines about the best fast foods to eat. the one that has always stuck with me was wendy's chili. when i'm watching what i eat i feel like i'm always eating sweet stuff - yogurt, fruit, oatmeal, etc. - and chili, well, that's salty, savory goodness. however, that's not the best part. nope. the best part is that it's $1.59 for a small. that's it. $1.69 with tax. so somehow, in this universe of you-get-one-or-the-other, somehow, there's both. just this once. a cheap, good for you fast food meal. holy crap.
so it's good that i had a relatively pious day at work, because the taping was basically a food fest (not surprising at all). i actually have no idea how many calories, but here are my best guesses...
10 square pieces dominoes thin crust - 1000
5 arcadia beers (assorted) - 1000
1 chicken wing - 200
5 coconut macaroons - 700
6 pieces french bread with spinach dip - 500
10 pretzels - 200
probably, realistically:
4200 total-ish.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Day 21 - Food reduced to medicine (Wed.)
i felt really sick pretty much all day today. i guess i have some sort of 24 flu thing 'cause i feel better than yesterday, but my stomach is still churning around all weird. i'm pretty sure i have nothing at all left in my system after last night and i really need to eat.
i NEED to eat, but i don't want to. sometimes food is like medicine. my definition of medicine is stuff you have to take for health that you would ingest for no other reason. even when i'm feeling well, there are certain foods that have become medicine-y in my mind.
an ongoing list:
oatmeal = medicine
tea = medicine
water = medicine
baby carrots = medicine
raw vegetables (broccoli) = medicine
bland rice = medicine
i didn't have any of those things today, although i'm sure i desperately need water. flu takes dehydration to a whole new level. finally, we ordered food. it was stay-at-home-veg-try-to-feel-better-completely-unhealthy type food.
1 mcdonald's cheese burger - 300
mcdonald's mcflurry - 700
holy shit. i just looked this up. i CANNOT believe this thing has 700 CALORIES!! what the hell? the soft serve is relatively low-cal... it must be all the m&ms! bummer!!! i need to go back to my old favorite, the vanilla shake. although that's still 500+ calories, it's still a hell of a lot better! this realization kinda ruined my day. (as if feeling sick made it great to begin with)
diet coke - 0
about 10 pieces of pizza hut's big dipper with marinara - 1400
sick. this is 2 sickeningly high calorie mcflurries throw into one! omg. also, TOTALLY misrepresented in the commercial that prompted us to buy it. it was dry and luke warm with hardly any cheese on it. the whole reason i don't like pizza hut crust - way too buttery and flaky instead of chewy - is the same reason why it's so bad for you. NOT a win-win. i do, however, LOVE pizza hut's marinara for some reason.
1 90 minute IPA - 200?
i totally didn't feel good, but had beer anyway. it actually settled my stomach a little, weirdly enough.
oh, and something wierd i've noticed, in myself and others, is that people with food issues start to claim they like stuff that no one actually likes.
"omg, i LOVE plain yogurt. you don't like it? that's so strange! it's great!"
or
"my FAVORITE way to eat bananas is green. green bananas are the only kind i can stand. they're not all sweet and squishy and gross like those yellow ones."
or my favorite, and the one i'm most often guilty of,
"oh, no, actually, i LOVE diet pop. that other stuff tastes so SYRUP-Y. ew. i don't drink diet because of the no-calorie thing. i think it tastes the BEST."
who are we really fooling?
1 mad hatter IPA - 200?
2800 total-ish... man, if i hadn't eaten junk all day, i would have LOST weight being sick. :(
i NEED to eat, but i don't want to. sometimes food is like medicine. my definition of medicine is stuff you have to take for health that you would ingest for no other reason. even when i'm feeling well, there are certain foods that have become medicine-y in my mind.
an ongoing list:
oatmeal = medicine
tea = medicine
water = medicine
baby carrots = medicine
raw vegetables (broccoli) = medicine
bland rice = medicine
i didn't have any of those things today, although i'm sure i desperately need water. flu takes dehydration to a whole new level. finally, we ordered food. it was stay-at-home-veg-try-to-feel-better-completely-unhealthy type food.
1 mcdonald's cheese burger - 300
mcdonald's mcflurry - 700
holy shit. i just looked this up. i CANNOT believe this thing has 700 CALORIES!! what the hell? the soft serve is relatively low-cal... it must be all the m&ms! bummer!!! i need to go back to my old favorite, the vanilla shake. although that's still 500+ calories, it's still a hell of a lot better! this realization kinda ruined my day. (as if feeling sick made it great to begin with)
diet coke - 0
about 10 pieces of pizza hut's big dipper with marinara - 1400
sick. this is 2 sickeningly high calorie mcflurries throw into one! omg. also, TOTALLY misrepresented in the commercial that prompted us to buy it. it was dry and luke warm with hardly any cheese on it. the whole reason i don't like pizza hut crust - way too buttery and flaky instead of chewy - is the same reason why it's so bad for you. NOT a win-win. i do, however, LOVE pizza hut's marinara for some reason.
1 90 minute IPA - 200?
i totally didn't feel good, but had beer anyway. it actually settled my stomach a little, weirdly enough.
oh, and something wierd i've noticed, in myself and others, is that people with food issues start to claim they like stuff that no one actually likes.
"omg, i LOVE plain yogurt. you don't like it? that's so strange! it's great!"
or
"my FAVORITE way to eat bananas is green. green bananas are the only kind i can stand. they're not all sweet and squishy and gross like those yellow ones."
or my favorite, and the one i'm most often guilty of,
"oh, no, actually, i LOVE diet pop. that other stuff tastes so SYRUP-Y. ew. i don't drink diet because of the no-calorie thing. i think it tastes the BEST."
who are we really fooling?
1 mad hatter IPA - 200?
2800 total-ish... man, if i hadn't eaten junk all day, i would have LOST weight being sick. :(
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Day 20 - That's the Goal (Tues.)
chocolate cake with peanut butter icing... - 3 million? ok, fine. 300?
what the hell? who eats this for breakfast? answer: i do. it was there and i was hungry and i didn't have any time to eat something healthy. grab and fork and stab for a forkful of chocolate peanut butter goodness is not something my willpower can resist.
1 GIGANTIC grapefruit - 150
back on track. that's what i'm telling myself. back on track.
i'm going to pre-populate the rest of my food for the workday. somehow i feel like if i've already counted the calories, when i eat them, they're like zero. what a happy feeling! so i haven't eaten this stuff yet, but here it is, the stuff i brought to work:
greek yogurt - 200
apple pear - 100
apple cinnamon oatmeal - 150
wow... 900 already... i need to stick to 300-ish for dinner? yikes... (i'm trying to change my goal of 800 to a goal of 1200. maybe that's still not ok, but it's BETTER, right?)
the other goal i have is to start eating little bits all day long. i used to be really good at this. that's where the "1/4 granola bar" came from. apple here, granola there, some almonds 2 hours later. i know that's what i'm supposed to do, but it doesn't make sense to do it if i have a huge 1000 calorie lunch. so i have to do 100 calories every 3 hours or so... that's the goal. THOSE are the GOALS, plural. 1200 calories / eat every 3-ish hours. this equals:
200 calories at 6am, 9am, 12pm, 3pm, 6pm, 9pm
the goal after that should be get rid of the 9pm. if i combine the 6 and 9pm time slots, that's better anyway because i don't get home in time to eat dinner by 6 and 9 is kinda late (i know i shouldn't eat after 7pm or whatever.) plus that, then my dinner can be 400 calories.
yay! this plan actually seems do-able!
mint tea with fake sugar - 0
i found something cool online about this... as i've mentioned before, i believe strongly in cleansing... "When included in the diet on a regular basis, mint reduces the growth of bacteria and fungus in the body. The antifungal properties associated with mint help in curing asthma and other allergic conditions."
diet dr. pepper - 0
1/4 granola bar - 50
i not really feeling very well. hopefully some yummy food will help! wings with nick's for-the-pilot IPA wing sauce tonight. :)
so, the night DID NOT go as planned. i felt really crappy when i got home and although i didn't feel good, i ate some more cake and had nick's wings (which rocked).
cake - 300?
wings with nick's IPA sauce - 500?
we went to B-dubs to meet with Larry, the producer guy, and i felt a lot better. i had a beer and sat for a little while and about an hour in, i thought i was going to die suddenly.
IPA - 300?
i basically had to jump up, say a quick goodbye and run outta there. just as i got to my car, i projectile vomited. i swear to god, that hasn't happened to me since elementary school. omg. what the hell? it was TERRIBLE. and i was all alone. i threw up once on the way home, out the open door of my car, side of the road. terrible.
the worst part is that after the fact, all i could think was wow, i guess i don't have to count the beer or cake or wings calories, at least SOMETHING good came out of this ordeal.
so today:
2050 total-ish
but really, probably around 1000 total
(with the vomiting)
what the hell? who eats this for breakfast? answer: i do. it was there and i was hungry and i didn't have any time to eat something healthy. grab and fork and stab for a forkful of chocolate peanut butter goodness is not something my willpower can resist.
1 GIGANTIC grapefruit - 150
back on track. that's what i'm telling myself. back on track.
i'm going to pre-populate the rest of my food for the workday. somehow i feel like if i've already counted the calories, when i eat them, they're like zero. what a happy feeling! so i haven't eaten this stuff yet, but here it is, the stuff i brought to work:
greek yogurt - 200
apple pear - 100
apple cinnamon oatmeal - 150
wow... 900 already... i need to stick to 300-ish for dinner? yikes... (i'm trying to change my goal of 800 to a goal of 1200. maybe that's still not ok, but it's BETTER, right?)
the other goal i have is to start eating little bits all day long. i used to be really good at this. that's where the "1/4 granola bar" came from. apple here, granola there, some almonds 2 hours later. i know that's what i'm supposed to do, but it doesn't make sense to do it if i have a huge 1000 calorie lunch. so i have to do 100 calories every 3 hours or so... that's the goal. THOSE are the GOALS, plural. 1200 calories / eat every 3-ish hours. this equals:
200 calories at 6am, 9am, 12pm, 3pm, 6pm, 9pm
the goal after that should be get rid of the 9pm. if i combine the 6 and 9pm time slots, that's better anyway because i don't get home in time to eat dinner by 6 and 9 is kinda late (i know i shouldn't eat after 7pm or whatever.) plus that, then my dinner can be 400 calories.
yay! this plan actually seems do-able!
mint tea with fake sugar - 0
i found something cool online about this... as i've mentioned before, i believe strongly in cleansing... "When included in the diet on a regular basis, mint reduces the growth of bacteria and fungus in the body. The antifungal properties associated with mint help in curing asthma and other allergic conditions."
diet dr. pepper - 0
1/4 granola bar - 50
i not really feeling very well. hopefully some yummy food will help! wings with nick's for-the-pilot IPA wing sauce tonight. :)
so, the night DID NOT go as planned. i felt really crappy when i got home and although i didn't feel good, i ate some more cake and had nick's wings (which rocked).
cake - 300?
wings with nick's IPA sauce - 500?
we went to B-dubs to meet with Larry, the producer guy, and i felt a lot better. i had a beer and sat for a little while and about an hour in, i thought i was going to die suddenly.
IPA - 300?
i basically had to jump up, say a quick goodbye and run outta there. just as i got to my car, i projectile vomited. i swear to god, that hasn't happened to me since elementary school. omg. what the hell? it was TERRIBLE. and i was all alone. i threw up once on the way home, out the open door of my car, side of the road. terrible.
the worst part is that after the fact, all i could think was wow, i guess i don't have to count the beer or cake or wings calories, at least SOMETHING good came out of this ordeal.
so today:
2050 total-ish
but really, probably around 1000 total
(with the vomiting)
Monday, January 24, 2011
Day 19 - the gift of food - or curse (Mon.)
today is feeling depressing. bad news from a friend, hard initiatives at work, freezing cold weather, coat that smells like food, no word on the house, chewing the shit out of my cuticles, wishing i was at home with a cliche pint of ice cream and a blanket on the couch. i'm not feeling sick, but my psyche is. it's one of those days where i wish i could have the sick treatment but not be sick.
coffee with real sugar and powdered creamer - 100?
cinnamon roll quaker instant oats - 200
i used to really like oatmeal. but then i ate it like every morning for a few years and now it seems like medicine to me. like taking a multi-vitamin. oh well, at least it makes me feel full-ish for a little while.
apple pear - 100
spaghetti squash with marinara and catfish - 300?
greek yogurt - 200
i've always wondered if anyone besides me uses their spoon to scrape the edge of the cup while rotating with the other hand... i pretty much waste NOTHING.
diet dr pepper - 0
i feel like i'm starving. what the hell?
1 20 oz bottle of water - 0
1/4 granola bar - 50
shrimp and sausage gumbo - (according to good housekeeping) - 800
THIS btw, was SO sweet. we were supposed to go to Magdi's house for their weekly/monthly dinner party, and because our pipes froze, we couldn't go. but yesterday, Tom dropped off a pint of left over gumbo, crab/jalapeno appetizers and cornbread! so sweet... which brings me to:
crab/jalapeno appetizer with cream cheese - 300?
cornbread (small muffin size) - 200?
chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting - 300?
then i went to choir rehearsal. i was so exhausted from Carmina Burana that i really just wanted to go to bed when i got home. i have no idea why, but instead i had a beer and watched some tv. THAT is my problem. beer and tv. without either one, i'd prolly be in great shape. (i love blaming my shortcomings on inanimate objects and food.)
90 minute IPA - 200?
whoa. 2700 total-ish.
god. if i keep up this over 2000 trend, i'm just going to keep GAINING weight. EF.
coffee with real sugar and powdered creamer - 100?
cinnamon roll quaker instant oats - 200
i used to really like oatmeal. but then i ate it like every morning for a few years and now it seems like medicine to me. like taking a multi-vitamin. oh well, at least it makes me feel full-ish for a little while.
apple pear - 100
spaghetti squash with marinara and catfish - 300?
greek yogurt - 200
i've always wondered if anyone besides me uses their spoon to scrape the edge of the cup while rotating with the other hand... i pretty much waste NOTHING.
diet dr pepper - 0
i feel like i'm starving. what the hell?
1 20 oz bottle of water - 0
1/4 granola bar - 50
shrimp and sausage gumbo - (according to good housekeeping) - 800
THIS btw, was SO sweet. we were supposed to go to Magdi's house for their weekly/monthly dinner party, and because our pipes froze, we couldn't go. but yesterday, Tom dropped off a pint of left over gumbo, crab/jalapeno appetizers and cornbread! so sweet... which brings me to:
crab/jalapeno appetizer with cream cheese - 300?
cornbread (small muffin size) - 200?
chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting - 300?
then i went to choir rehearsal. i was so exhausted from Carmina Burana that i really just wanted to go to bed when i got home. i have no idea why, but instead i had a beer and watched some tv. THAT is my problem. beer and tv. without either one, i'd prolly be in great shape. (i love blaming my shortcomings on inanimate objects and food.)
90 minute IPA - 200?
whoa. 2700 total-ish.
god. if i keep up this over 2000 trend, i'm just going to keep GAINING weight. EF.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Self Loathing: Part Deux
Goal:
Especially in my hard core ED days and even now, I feel like I want people to notice me. In my (crazy?) mind there are 2 ways to do that: have people say, "whoa, there goes a fat girl." Or have people say, "whoa, did you see how skinny she is?" Obviously one is more desirable than the other (at least to me).
I've spent most of my life - since my pre-teen years - looking at the world this way. I think I'll probably always want people to notice me. But lately - just the past few years - I've been trying my damnedest to want people to notice me for reasons like, "wow, your concert was amazing." Or, "I couldn't put that book you wrote down." Or even, "Where did you get those awesome shoes?"
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not succeeding very well. Instead of those things, I'd still like people to say, "check out the skinny girl," when they see me. But I'm NOT the skinny girl anymore - and I want to be ok with that... I'm filling the void with other things and working hard to make them as (or more) important.
It's sure as hell not easy.
If only I listened to my own advice:
from my perspective and from what i've been through, my two cents: in any addictive situation, (quitting smoking, drinking too much, binging, etc.) sometimes "less" is all you can handle at first. if you are purging less than before, you have made progress. bottom line. then the goal is always for less... maybe you'll never fully stop (i haven't and it's been 15 years) but once every 6 months is so much better than a few times a day. just like once a week is so much better than once a day... it might always be a struggle, but don't let yourself give in or give up just because you had a weak moment. lapses are not failures, they are just lapses. i am an all or nothing person, so i totally understand, but if you can look at it as grey, and not as black and white, you will feel more powerful.
always strive for whatever your personal "less" is and don't hate yourself if you can't be "none". less is still huge progress.
Medication:
If you seek to even out the horrible lows, you need to be willing to sign a mental consent form to sacrifice the beautiful highs. This is how I feel about medication.
Subconscious:
bad dreams persist. i haven't had a good night sleep in a long time. my mind is crazed and anxiety-ridden.
i hated who i was when i used to take meds for my brain. i didn't hate myself when i took them, just when i look back on who i was (or wasn't) when i was under their influence. i loathe the idea of giving in and medicating, but i'm getting to my wit's end. i don't think i can live life like this anymore.
maybe i need to seek help.
Especially in my hard core ED days and even now, I feel like I want people to notice me. In my (crazy?) mind there are 2 ways to do that: have people say, "whoa, there goes a fat girl." Or have people say, "whoa, did you see how skinny she is?" Obviously one is more desirable than the other (at least to me).
I've spent most of my life - since my pre-teen years - looking at the world this way. I think I'll probably always want people to notice me. But lately - just the past few years - I've been trying my damnedest to want people to notice me for reasons like, "wow, your concert was amazing." Or, "I couldn't put that book you wrote down." Or even, "Where did you get those awesome shoes?"
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not succeeding very well. Instead of those things, I'd still like people to say, "check out the skinny girl," when they see me. But I'm NOT the skinny girl anymore - and I want to be ok with that... I'm filling the void with other things and working hard to make them as (or more) important.
It's sure as hell not easy.
If only I listened to my own advice:
from my perspective and from what i've been through, my two cents: in any addictive situation, (quitting smoking, drinking too much, binging, etc.) sometimes "less" is all you can handle at first. if you are purging less than before, you have made progress. bottom line. then the goal is always for less... maybe you'll never fully stop (i haven't and it's been 15 years) but once every 6 months is so much better than a few times a day. just like once a week is so much better than once a day... it might always be a struggle, but don't let yourself give in or give up just because you had a weak moment. lapses are not failures, they are just lapses. i am an all or nothing person, so i totally understand, but if you can look at it as grey, and not as black and white, you will feel more powerful.
always strive for whatever your personal "less" is and don't hate yourself if you can't be "none". less is still huge progress.
Medication:
If you seek to even out the horrible lows, you need to be willing to sign a mental consent form to sacrifice the beautiful highs. This is how I feel about medication.
Subconscious:
bad dreams persist. i haven't had a good night sleep in a long time. my mind is crazed and anxiety-ridden.
i hated who i was when i used to take meds for my brain. i didn't hate myself when i took them, just when i look back on who i was (or wasn't) when i was under their influence. i loathe the idea of giving in and medicating, but i'm getting to my wit's end. i don't think i can live life like this anymore.
maybe i need to seek help.
Day 18 - the stuff that grows in your body (Sun.)
apple pear - 100?
chicory coffee with skim and syrup - 100?
hamburger helper - 400?
prolly would have kept eating, but i needed to jump in the shower and run errands - pick up luggage and tv from julie, take back the industrial propane heater to home depot, turn in my living social coupon to bikram...
holy crap, then things exploded.
3 micro brews - 500?
cup of diet coke - 0
bowl of smart start - 200?
turkey and scalloped potatoes - 400?
leftovers from nick's work
4 mini peanut butter cups - 200?
cake batter and frosting - 500?
working on the porter cake for the pilot episode
all this stuff makes me remember when i went to the doctor a long time ago (high school?) because of chronic fatigue and depression. the docs wanted to put me on paxil and other fun (sarcasm) drugs. however, one of the holistic ideas they had for me was taking acidophilis. of course, no one can ever know if they're simply succumbing to the placebo effect, but it worked. i THINK it worked at least a little bit.
that prompted extensive research on candidia and other issues with the "things that are, and are not, supposed to grow in your body." (yes, i research EVERYTHING to a fault.) this same curiosity-slash-morbid-obsession with all-things-facts later prompted me to do the Master Cleanse a couple years ago. it was totally crazy, and a part of me recognized that, but like any other off the wall scheme by an ED plagued person, it made sense. and the more i did it, the more i felt that i had to KEEP doing it. i was seeing results (in LOTS of ways, yikes) and i didn't want to "fail." but living on lemon juice, water, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and mint tea only lasted so long. what stayed with me was the sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.
therefore, i've developed this strong belief in cleansing your system. even though there is just as much info out there that tells me it's bad for me. the jury's still out. i DID lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks. i mean, pants falling off weight loss. but the nay-sayers are sure that it's all water weight and nothing left in your gut. however, the mystery of what the hell is the solid-ish stuff still coming out of your body after two weeks of "lemonade" is still pretty relevant.
the stuff that grows in my body is actually a PERFECT analogy for my issues with food and excess in general:
there are lots of ways to kill of the "good" bacterias in your system. and other organisms can get out of wack too. you don't want to overdo antibiotics, cause it can mess you up, but you don't want the negative bacteria to thrive either. and overgrowths of yeasts/fungi can really affect your health. so, the key is moderation. that thing that i'm so very bad at.
it makes sense that these little creatures can affect your health - including mental health. it makes sense that someone with an eating disorder will be affected physically and mentally by the disorder. so what comes first, the depression, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness or powerlessness, etc? or the eating disorder that causes all those things?
sharp cheddar cheese slices - 200?
i swear that's not all... dammit. i just can't remember...
2600 total-ish? not as bad as i expected, but i still think i forgot some stuff...
chicory coffee with skim and syrup - 100?
hamburger helper - 400?
prolly would have kept eating, but i needed to jump in the shower and run errands - pick up luggage and tv from julie, take back the industrial propane heater to home depot, turn in my living social coupon to bikram...
holy crap, then things exploded.
3 micro brews - 500?
cup of diet coke - 0
bowl of smart start - 200?
turkey and scalloped potatoes - 400?
leftovers from nick's work
4 mini peanut butter cups - 200?
cake batter and frosting - 500?
working on the porter cake for the pilot episode
all this stuff makes me remember when i went to the doctor a long time ago (high school?) because of chronic fatigue and depression. the docs wanted to put me on paxil and other fun (sarcasm) drugs. however, one of the holistic ideas they had for me was taking acidophilis. of course, no one can ever know if they're simply succumbing to the placebo effect, but it worked. i THINK it worked at least a little bit.
that prompted extensive research on candidia and other issues with the "things that are, and are not, supposed to grow in your body." (yes, i research EVERYTHING to a fault.) this same curiosity-slash-morbid-obsession with all-things-facts later prompted me to do the Master Cleanse a couple years ago. it was totally crazy, and a part of me recognized that, but like any other off the wall scheme by an ED plagued person, it made sense. and the more i did it, the more i felt that i had to KEEP doing it. i was seeing results (in LOTS of ways, yikes) and i didn't want to "fail." but living on lemon juice, water, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and mint tea only lasted so long. what stayed with me was the sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.
therefore, i've developed this strong belief in cleansing your system. even though there is just as much info out there that tells me it's bad for me. the jury's still out. i DID lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks. i mean, pants falling off weight loss. but the nay-sayers are sure that it's all water weight and nothing left in your gut. however, the mystery of what the hell is the solid-ish stuff still coming out of your body after two weeks of "lemonade" is still pretty relevant.
the stuff that grows in my body is actually a PERFECT analogy for my issues with food and excess in general:
there are lots of ways to kill of the "good" bacterias in your system. and other organisms can get out of wack too. you don't want to overdo antibiotics, cause it can mess you up, but you don't want the negative bacteria to thrive either. and overgrowths of yeasts/fungi can really affect your health. so, the key is moderation. that thing that i'm so very bad at.
it makes sense that these little creatures can affect your health - including mental health. it makes sense that someone with an eating disorder will be affected physically and mentally by the disorder. so what comes first, the depression, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness or powerlessness, etc? or the eating disorder that causes all those things?
sharp cheddar cheese slices - 200?
i swear that's not all... dammit. i just can't remember...
2600 total-ish? not as bad as i expected, but i still think i forgot some stuff...
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Day 17 - the ethics of eating (Sat.)
I've been thinking a lot about my McDonald's binge... it doesn't just bother me about the calorie count and nutrition. I hate supporting them. The movie Food Inc made me sick to my stomach and McDonald's was largely to blame.
today has been a day of grazing. i'm going to try and quickly list everything because most of the amounts are so small, i'm not sure how to quantify it.
strawberry greek yogurt - 150
2 shortbread sugar cookies - 100?
piece of banana bread (warm) - 200?
flatbread with taboule and roasted red pepper hommus - 300?
4 dried plums (the package doesn't say prunes. marketing to a younger audience anyone?) - 100
4 mini peanut butter cups - 200
3 cups chickory coffee with skim and vanilla syrup - 200?
god i shoulda had the coffee earlier... i was getting out of control with my appetite... :(
most of the stuff i ate today came from Costco. it's really nice to have food in the house, cause most of the time i don't eat during the day on weekends because all the food requires extensive preparation, or i eat too much crap like cereal out of the box or 6 bottles of beer at noon. here's the thing: is Costco better than McDonald's? doesn't the bulk-ness of the venue create nightmares like the ones in Food Inc? nick and i are so concerned about buying local, especially when it comes to food, but doesn't getting groceries at Costco completely negate our efforts? its a depressing thought because - once again - it ties food to money. and honestly, that's the worst combo when you're trying to make healthy decisions.
this week the first lady, Michelle Obama, spearheaded an initiative with Walmart (the nation's (world's??) biggest retailer AND grocer), where they are going to provide healthier foods. less salt, refined sugar, fat. it's awesome, because Walmart provides more Americans with their groceries than any other source. it's taking the "we're so big, we run the market and affect your personal choices" phenomenon and going POSITIVE with the influence. however, the entire premise that Walmart has so much affect on the way food is produced and purchased is frightening. however, i guess if McDonald's took a similar initiative, I might feel SLIGHTLY better when i binge there. (yeah, binge. not "eat." the word "eat" implies dining on food that doesn't kill you - and the planet.)
ok, keep going...
i had to go to western market and there were samples everywhere...
boarshead turkey and white cheddar - 100?
cinnamon bread with glaze - 100?
fresh squeezed OJ - 100?
1 bottle Short's Autumn Ale - 200?
spaghetti squash with marinara - 300?
ham sandwich - 300?
2 bottles beer (autumn ale, mad hatter) - 400?
2800 total-ish?
tomorrow is another day.
today has been a day of grazing. i'm going to try and quickly list everything because most of the amounts are so small, i'm not sure how to quantify it.
strawberry greek yogurt - 150
2 shortbread sugar cookies - 100?
piece of banana bread (warm) - 200?
flatbread with taboule and roasted red pepper hommus - 300?
4 dried plums (the package doesn't say prunes. marketing to a younger audience anyone?) - 100
4 mini peanut butter cups - 200
3 cups chickory coffee with skim and vanilla syrup - 200?
god i shoulda had the coffee earlier... i was getting out of control with my appetite... :(
most of the stuff i ate today came from Costco. it's really nice to have food in the house, cause most of the time i don't eat during the day on weekends because all the food requires extensive preparation, or i eat too much crap like cereal out of the box or 6 bottles of beer at noon. here's the thing: is Costco better than McDonald's? doesn't the bulk-ness of the venue create nightmares like the ones in Food Inc? nick and i are so concerned about buying local, especially when it comes to food, but doesn't getting groceries at Costco completely negate our efforts? its a depressing thought because - once again - it ties food to money. and honestly, that's the worst combo when you're trying to make healthy decisions.
this week the first lady, Michelle Obama, spearheaded an initiative with Walmart (the nation's (world's??) biggest retailer AND grocer), where they are going to provide healthier foods. less salt, refined sugar, fat. it's awesome, because Walmart provides more Americans with their groceries than any other source. it's taking the "we're so big, we run the market and affect your personal choices" phenomenon and going POSITIVE with the influence. however, the entire premise that Walmart has so much affect on the way food is produced and purchased is frightening. however, i guess if McDonald's took a similar initiative, I might feel SLIGHTLY better when i binge there. (yeah, binge. not "eat." the word "eat" implies dining on food that doesn't kill you - and the planet.)
ok, keep going...
i had to go to western market and there were samples everywhere...
boarshead turkey and white cheddar - 100?
cinnamon bread with glaze - 100?
fresh squeezed OJ - 100?
1 bottle Short's Autumn Ale - 200?
spaghetti squash with marinara - 300?
ham sandwich - 300?
2 bottles beer (autumn ale, mad hatter) - 400?
2800 total-ish?
tomorrow is another day.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Day 16 - it all started with a damn donut (Fri.)
Apple Pear - 100
yum. i've decided i REALLY like these. i'm so glad i brought a healthy breakfast. if i do this everyday, i'll be in great shape.
good start!
custard filled dunkin donuts donut - 300
omg. 300 effing calories. omg. really? it must be some sort of law of nature that every time i actually bring myself a healthy breakfast (of apple pear) someone ruins it. and i have no willpower at all, so of course i said, sure Rob, i'd like one of those donuts, thanks. i suck. god i suck.
Will power is such an issue for me lately. Back in the day when I had complete control of my eating habits I had literally convinced myself that food was nothing more than something that tasted good. I actually started to believe that my cravings for food were only a mental, unnecessary desire for something to taste or something to chew on. sometimes i could lick something or chew it and spit it out or only eat one bite and, since i'd tasted it, i'd make myself believe that was all i needed.
coffee with powdered creamer and real sugar - 100
i'm back to real. that's a good thing i think. i wish i could just drink coffee black.
3 oz broiled catfish - 200?
a few bites of spaghetti squash with marinara - 200?
then it all fell apart again! :( leftover pizza from a meeting. couldn't turn it down...
2 pieces pepperoni pizza - 400?
salad with lots of meat and cheese with italian dressing - 300?
damn damn damn. instead of going to Magdi's tonight and eating all the indulgent food they'll be serving, i should work out. i SHOULD. i prolly won't. today is a bad day. i have no willpower. as usual.
2 donut holes, chocolate glazed - 200?
oh, ef it, my brain is saying. screw it. it's friday. friday's the weekend and yay to bad food and drink down the gullet on the weekend. rejoice! enjoy! quit berating yourself and JUST DON'T CARE! it's the weekend, even if it is early on a friday. i sure has hell won't be watching what i eat tonight. so, ef it!
whew, my brain thinks. at least consciously. then there's that little twinge at the back trying to break through, screaming, from far far away, no, no! but i can hardly hear you, twinge at the back. you're drowned out by all the sugar and caffiene and calories churning around in my gut. shush. i'm gonna enjoy my friday - my WEEKEND - and drink down this diet dr. pepper.
diet dr. pepper - 0
whew, my brain thinks.
ok, so for the second time in a row, i showed up somewhere on the wrong day. what the hell? well, actually, it was the host's fault. he WROTE friday even though the title (that i couldn't read on my droid facebook app) mentioned sat. totally not something i'm holding against him. i guess his cousin just died and he's been - understandably - scatterbrained. so anyway, because i showed up to a dinner party a day early, i needed a backup plan. i'm totally not calling Ryan a backup plan, but i wouldn't have called him last night if i hadn't found myself planless. i'm REALLY glad i was planless. i missed Ryan. and i think we both did each other a little good because he was depressed and i needed to get out of the house. plus that, he's SUCH a good friend that when i mentioned that i couldn't really afford an expensive dinner, he wanted to go anyway and paid for everything. when money and food don't affect each other, it does something really positive in my brain. so.
2 bell's winter whites - 400?
in my Dino's mug. yay Strawberry Carrie!
beef brisket with mashed potatoes - 800?
AMAZING mac n cheese - 400?
then Ryan had to head home. he had to work early in the morning. nick got home and we shared the bottle of wine that i was going to bring to the dinner party. now i have to get another one.
3 glasses shiraz - 400?
didn't i say i was gonna go balls out after that pizza? yup.
so holy crap:
3800 total-ish??? SICK. completely nasty. i'm a ball of fat.
yum. i've decided i REALLY like these. i'm so glad i brought a healthy breakfast. if i do this everyday, i'll be in great shape.
good start!
custard filled dunkin donuts donut - 300
omg. 300 effing calories. omg. really? it must be some sort of law of nature that every time i actually bring myself a healthy breakfast (of apple pear) someone ruins it. and i have no willpower at all, so of course i said, sure Rob, i'd like one of those donuts, thanks. i suck. god i suck.
Will power is such an issue for me lately. Back in the day when I had complete control of my eating habits I had literally convinced myself that food was nothing more than something that tasted good. I actually started to believe that my cravings for food were only a mental, unnecessary desire for something to taste or something to chew on. sometimes i could lick something or chew it and spit it out or only eat one bite and, since i'd tasted it, i'd make myself believe that was all i needed.
coffee with powdered creamer and real sugar - 100
i'm back to real. that's a good thing i think. i wish i could just drink coffee black.
3 oz broiled catfish - 200?
a few bites of spaghetti squash with marinara - 200?
then it all fell apart again! :( leftover pizza from a meeting. couldn't turn it down...
2 pieces pepperoni pizza - 400?
salad with lots of meat and cheese with italian dressing - 300?
damn damn damn. instead of going to Magdi's tonight and eating all the indulgent food they'll be serving, i should work out. i SHOULD. i prolly won't. today is a bad day. i have no willpower. as usual.
2 donut holes, chocolate glazed - 200?
oh, ef it, my brain is saying. screw it. it's friday. friday's the weekend and yay to bad food and drink down the gullet on the weekend. rejoice! enjoy! quit berating yourself and JUST DON'T CARE! it's the weekend, even if it is early on a friday. i sure has hell won't be watching what i eat tonight. so, ef it!
whew, my brain thinks. at least consciously. then there's that little twinge at the back trying to break through, screaming, from far far away, no, no! but i can hardly hear you, twinge at the back. you're drowned out by all the sugar and caffiene and calories churning around in my gut. shush. i'm gonna enjoy my friday - my WEEKEND - and drink down this diet dr. pepper.
diet dr. pepper - 0
whew, my brain thinks.
ok, so for the second time in a row, i showed up somewhere on the wrong day. what the hell? well, actually, it was the host's fault. he WROTE friday even though the title (that i couldn't read on my droid facebook app) mentioned sat. totally not something i'm holding against him. i guess his cousin just died and he's been - understandably - scatterbrained. so anyway, because i showed up to a dinner party a day early, i needed a backup plan. i'm totally not calling Ryan a backup plan, but i wouldn't have called him last night if i hadn't found myself planless. i'm REALLY glad i was planless. i missed Ryan. and i think we both did each other a little good because he was depressed and i needed to get out of the house. plus that, he's SUCH a good friend that when i mentioned that i couldn't really afford an expensive dinner, he wanted to go anyway and paid for everything. when money and food don't affect each other, it does something really positive in my brain. so.
2 bell's winter whites - 400?
in my Dino's mug. yay Strawberry Carrie!
beef brisket with mashed potatoes - 800?
AMAZING mac n cheese - 400?
then Ryan had to head home. he had to work early in the morning. nick got home and we shared the bottle of wine that i was going to bring to the dinner party. now i have to get another one.
3 glasses shiraz - 400?
didn't i say i was gonna go balls out after that pizza? yup.
so holy crap:
3800 total-ish??? SICK. completely nasty. i'm a ball of fat.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Self Loathing: A Memoir
things i hate about me:
- biting my cuticles and consciously (and even subconsciously) hiding my hands from everyone
- feeling like everyone is out to get me and that they have a sinister hidden agenda
- doing everything all or nothing, no moderation
- completely irrational fear of pressure on my fingertips, especially my index fingers
- physical and psychological weight and appearance obsession, yet doing nothing about it and feeling helpless
- indecisive about EVERYTHING
- lack of chin and jawline
- having a mid-life crisis at 30
- the way i walk
- skating by with acceptable accomplishments, making excuses for mediocracy, time wasting and procrastination: never MASTERED anything in life
rant:
this is not a temper tantrum. this is life. and i'm stuck in it. i'm supposed to feel supported because i'm the one supporting everything. but my sacrifices don't mean shit. i mean, they probably do for a few minutes when it makes sense to the rest of the world. when everyone else can nod and say - without interrupting their own impulses and wants - yes, yes, that's noble what you're doing, keep doing it. but then they say, oh, wait, that is only until you start to feel crazy and expect me to make adjustments in MY life for you. no, that doesn't work. can we go back to YOU making all the sacrifices?
i need to quit being so co-dependent, or rather, DEPENDENT. i'm not getting any sense of CO anywhere, except my husband when i rant to him, and my parents, to whom i can do no wrong. i keep telling myself that one of these days i'll actually get what i want. all my work will go toward something and i will matter. i will be an acting part of my own life. that's what i tell myself. i hate optimists just for that reason. it must suck, somewhere deep down inside to know that you're lying to yourself. as much as i hate optimism, i'm sickingly jealous of it. i wish i could be happy. i wish i could feel content. i wish i could make a decision - life or otherwise - without feeling like choosing wrong is life or death.
i complain about all my hard work, but really, half the time i sit on my ass. i let life go by. i dream and think and hope and pray about all the things i want for myself, EXPECT for myself, but the effort gets stuck in the planning stages. no wonder no one notices or cares about my efforts - 50% or more is internal.
i need to learn to live more for ME. i live for everyone else. i see it but it doesn't make a difference. i have moments of pure selfishness, but they're rare. days like my birthday or when something extraordinarily good happens to me. when the people in my life say to me, you need to quit putting everyone else first, quit being a doormat, stand up for yourself, care about yourself as much as you care about other people - then some of those people are the ones who are taking you for granted, telling you they love you, doing nice things when it's convenient, but ultimately putting themselves first.
and when i try. when i TRY to put myself first, take care of myself, be selfish for once, it all backfires in my face and i regret it. then i sit and cry and wish my life was different, but i don't do anything about it. why is that? i have no idea.
i have a lack of motivation. not that i don't have motivational thoughts and not that i don't have dreams or a path, more that i stifle myself. i lack the type of motivation that comes from self-worth - believing you can overcome, move on, get over it. i'm just too scared. scared someone will take what i care about and just step on it. it happens all the time, but at least i don't put the real stuff out there too often, otherwise that would get stomped on too.
and i'm sure none of this really makes sense. when i make myself think about it rationally, its all clear, i know i can do it. do SOMETHING. but in real life, when i'm sitting in my cubicle at 7 am, it seems nonsenseical. i'll talk myself out of believing that i can do more with my life. i'll go back to my non-motivated, dependent ways and apologize and do what i have to do to make a little money, and live the life that i'm going to live for a long time. probably forever.
Mistakes:
I feel like as people get older they should get better at things and have a larger list of specialties. The opposite has happened to me over time. In high school I was The best at so many things. At least I thought I was in such a small pool of people. Its only gone downhill since then.
The ultimate hello to my ego is the idea of putting together a resume. There aren't that many positive qualities I can think of. And the few things that I consider myself good at don't look good on paper.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. The biggest ones are that I worked against my own abilities. I never pursued things that I love or am good at. And when I did, I did not succeed.
The list goes on:
Going back to school for an unrealistic architecture degree.
Trying to get an engineering degree in the first place.
Getting into NELP.
Applying at the university of michigan.
Buying a shitty little (although cute) house.
Never taking any internships.
Quitting merit network.
Staying in sales - even now.
Going to itt.
Taking out huge student loans.
Didn't get an education degree.
Thought making money was more important than finding something I love.
Lifestyle problems:
i starting to suspect that my self-worth or lack thereof directly relates to the amount of tv i watch. and i watch way too much. i'm always lamenting how busy i am, yet i do watch a decent amount of tv. and on weekends i have a relatively active social life. and i definitely put things off until later. you can't put things off until later unless you have time to do them now, right? i don't know. i must thrive on stress and busyness, because when i'm not busy, i have a hard time thinking of something to do with myself. when i AM busy, it's impossible to get everything done. yet the same amount of "stuff" seems to exist in both situations. sometimes i feel more sane if i have a lot to do, but i completely ignore it. at least temporarily. give myself this false idea of, it's not that important, i really don't care (even though i really do) and then i wait until i'm FREAKING OUT to get it done because then something that would have taken me a week when i'm not busy gets done in a day because i am. what the hell?
- biting my cuticles and consciously (and even subconsciously) hiding my hands from everyone
- feeling like everyone is out to get me and that they have a sinister hidden agenda
- doing everything all or nothing, no moderation
- completely irrational fear of pressure on my fingertips, especially my index fingers
- physical and psychological weight and appearance obsession, yet doing nothing about it and feeling helpless
- indecisive about EVERYTHING
- lack of chin and jawline
- having a mid-life crisis at 30
- the way i walk
- skating by with acceptable accomplishments, making excuses for mediocracy, time wasting and procrastination: never MASTERED anything in life
rant:
this is not a temper tantrum. this is life. and i'm stuck in it. i'm supposed to feel supported because i'm the one supporting everything. but my sacrifices don't mean shit. i mean, they probably do for a few minutes when it makes sense to the rest of the world. when everyone else can nod and say - without interrupting their own impulses and wants - yes, yes, that's noble what you're doing, keep doing it. but then they say, oh, wait, that is only until you start to feel crazy and expect me to make adjustments in MY life for you. no, that doesn't work. can we go back to YOU making all the sacrifices?
i need to quit being so co-dependent, or rather, DEPENDENT. i'm not getting any sense of CO anywhere, except my husband when i rant to him, and my parents, to whom i can do no wrong. i keep telling myself that one of these days i'll actually get what i want. all my work will go toward something and i will matter. i will be an acting part of my own life. that's what i tell myself. i hate optimists just for that reason. it must suck, somewhere deep down inside to know that you're lying to yourself. as much as i hate optimism, i'm sickingly jealous of it. i wish i could be happy. i wish i could feel content. i wish i could make a decision - life or otherwise - without feeling like choosing wrong is life or death.
i complain about all my hard work, but really, half the time i sit on my ass. i let life go by. i dream and think and hope and pray about all the things i want for myself, EXPECT for myself, but the effort gets stuck in the planning stages. no wonder no one notices or cares about my efforts - 50% or more is internal.
i need to learn to live more for ME. i live for everyone else. i see it but it doesn't make a difference. i have moments of pure selfishness, but they're rare. days like my birthday or when something extraordinarily good happens to me. when the people in my life say to me, you need to quit putting everyone else first, quit being a doormat, stand up for yourself, care about yourself as much as you care about other people - then some of those people are the ones who are taking you for granted, telling you they love you, doing nice things when it's convenient, but ultimately putting themselves first.
and when i try. when i TRY to put myself first, take care of myself, be selfish for once, it all backfires in my face and i regret it. then i sit and cry and wish my life was different, but i don't do anything about it. why is that? i have no idea.
i have a lack of motivation. not that i don't have motivational thoughts and not that i don't have dreams or a path, more that i stifle myself. i lack the type of motivation that comes from self-worth - believing you can overcome, move on, get over it. i'm just too scared. scared someone will take what i care about and just step on it. it happens all the time, but at least i don't put the real stuff out there too often, otherwise that would get stomped on too.
and i'm sure none of this really makes sense. when i make myself think about it rationally, its all clear, i know i can do it. do SOMETHING. but in real life, when i'm sitting in my cubicle at 7 am, it seems nonsenseical. i'll talk myself out of believing that i can do more with my life. i'll go back to my non-motivated, dependent ways and apologize and do what i have to do to make a little money, and live the life that i'm going to live for a long time. probably forever.
Mistakes:
I feel like as people get older they should get better at things and have a larger list of specialties. The opposite has happened to me over time. In high school I was The best at so many things. At least I thought I was in such a small pool of people. Its only gone downhill since then.
The ultimate hello to my ego is the idea of putting together a resume. There aren't that many positive qualities I can think of. And the few things that I consider myself good at don't look good on paper.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. The biggest ones are that I worked against my own abilities. I never pursued things that I love or am good at. And when I did, I did not succeed.
The list goes on:
Going back to school for an unrealistic architecture degree.
Trying to get an engineering degree in the first place.
Getting into NELP.
Applying at the university of michigan.
Buying a shitty little (although cute) house.
Never taking any internships.
Quitting merit network.
Staying in sales - even now.
Going to itt.
Taking out huge student loans.
Didn't get an education degree.
Thought making money was more important than finding something I love.
Lifestyle problems:
i starting to suspect that my self-worth or lack thereof directly relates to the amount of tv i watch. and i watch way too much. i'm always lamenting how busy i am, yet i do watch a decent amount of tv. and on weekends i have a relatively active social life. and i definitely put things off until later. you can't put things off until later unless you have time to do them now, right? i don't know. i must thrive on stress and busyness, because when i'm not busy, i have a hard time thinking of something to do with myself. when i AM busy, it's impossible to get everything done. yet the same amount of "stuff" seems to exist in both situations. sometimes i feel more sane if i have a lot to do, but i completely ignore it. at least temporarily. give myself this false idea of, it's not that important, i really don't care (even though i really do) and then i wait until i'm FREAKING OUT to get it done because then something that would have taken me a week when i'm not busy gets done in a day because i am. what the hell?
Day 15 - dysfunctional neurosis: a list (Thurs.)
today is a splenda day.
coffee with powdered creamer and FAKE sugar - 15
i have neurosis with food. specific foods. specific preparations of foods. and foods i don't eat. or will only eat part of. i pride myself in it. i label myself "quirky" so others will think it's endearing instead of dysfunctional.
- i crush granola bars, ramen noodles and other crunchy foods in the wrapper so i can eat tiny pieces. i try to eat as slowly as i can.
- i don't eat breading. i peel it off if at all possible. i hate general tso's chicken because each piece of "chicken" is 90% breading. i peel chicken fingers like a fruit with a rind. it started as this crazy idea to make things more healthy, like, yes, i can eat the chicken fingers at the bar if i only eat the chicken part. or this lean cuisine would be even HEALTHIER if i peeled the breading off the fish/chicken/etc. i stopped eating breading all together years ago. and then when i came back to it and thought, i'll try this again, i didn't like it anymore. it has a gross slimy texture, or if it's done right, it's too crunchy. it has this intense oily flavor. i won't even eat tempura. i hate that oily taste. although i will eat mcdonald's french fries. and southwest bites at bw3's.
- i only eat even numbers of candies, and throw the odd ones away. the color matters too. if the numbers and colors don't match, i just dispose of them instead of trying to make it work. and i don't feel like explaining it, but i can't combine fire colors.
- when i'm in the movie theater, i'll eat as much as i can before it starts so i can SEE what i'm eating. i have to see everything i eat. know exactly what's in it. on hell's kitchen we watched the contestants go to this weird trendy restaurant in LA where you eat in the dark. it's supposed to be "all about the food." but all i could think was, omg, how the hell could i EAT there? i wouldn't know what was what, or if there is anything i need to pick out. or if there are some things i want to combine, like mashed potatoes and corn. i'm sure they don't serve mashed potatoes and corn there, but that's not the point. when nick and i watch a movie, i have to have the light on if i'm eating.
- i guess i need to see the food because i need to be able to portion everything i eat so that there is the PERFECT amount of each food on the fork - if i want them combined - or ONLY one food at a time on the fork - if i don't want them combined. and if it's something like a stew, i have to have a tiny piece of EVERY SINGLE ELEMENT in each bite. i'm really good at portioning it out so that works.
- won't eat a pickle. ever. it's taken on a sense of pride for me
- only diet pops, don't even enjoy sugar pops anymore, despite the risk associated with fake sweeteners. when i'm feeling super hungry, i get a can of diet pop. it must be something mental because pop in a bottle doesn't satisfy nearly as well. it's something about the cold aluminum and the amount you can sip from a can. a bottle is different. the plastic isn't as satisfying and you can just gulp it down. i don't like to gulp.
- i won't chew huge pieces of food. a normal sized piece of sushi is at least 4 separate bites. i hate stuffing the whole thing in my mouth. it triggers my gag reflex. when i eat steak i cut the pieces into small keyboard key sized bites. i cut everything into tiny pieces, even pizza. then i chew the hell out of whatever it is before i swallow.
- i don't like eating most foods with my fingers. there are a few exceptions, but overall i like to eat everything i can with utensils.
- i wrote about this before, but when i eat popcorn, i dissect each popcorn kernel so that ALL i'm eating is the white fluffy part. if there is any other part, i discard it. i end up with a huge pile of yellow, crunchy, stick in your teeth parts left over and i love to see how big that pile got. like, look at all that i separated out! i only ate the good stuff!
- i tend to eat the same few foods over and over because i know the calorie counts by heart: yogurt, cottage cheese, baby carrots, apples, peaches, rice, frozen veggies, edemame, canned soups, milk, frozen dinners, wendy's chili, jimmy john's #12 unwich with no mayo, tim horton's turkey club, mcdonald's grilled chicken snack wrap...
- i pick croutons (or tortilla chips) out of salads. sometimes i allow myself to have a couple, but i'll crunch them up and make them really small so each bite can have some, even though i'm only eating 2 total croutons. i read somewhere once that the dressing and croutons ruin the healthiness of a salad and have shunned them both ever since.
- in general i'm very wary of sauces. which is more than ironic because my husband's favorite thing is making sauces and putting them on everything.
- speaking of sauces, when i order salad, i always get salad dressing on the side. then i stick my fork in the dressing before loading up my fork with salad. i read once that you can eat half the calories that way. at the coney island down the street i go through half a tiny side container of dressing compared to the 3 they bring me with the salad.
- i tend to make up for good behavior (or what i THINK is good behavior) with bad, and vice versa. i started eating salads at Good Time Pizza (where i worked in high school for a little while) with marinara instead of dressing. somehow i thought the marinara was much healthier (i.e. lower calories and fat). many years later i realized that most marinaras are packed with oil and sugar. dammit. backfire. the worst part is that because i was eating so "healthy" with my marinara salads, i justified sneaking in the back store room to eat handfuls of blizzard toppings. it was exciting and disgusting all at the same time. i still crave crushed up reese's peanut butter cups and chef salads with marinara dressing.
- i pick the tiny pieces of onion out of foods and off of pizzas. there is really no reason why. long ago i decided i didn't like onions.
- i have this latent habit of ordering plain rice from a chinese restaurant when i'm out on my own, like at the mall, because it's super cheap and has a decent amount of protein for a carb-full food. i can have a small amount with soy sauce and feel really full. i started doing this when i used to do promo modeling at twelve oaks mall.
- i chew everything. everything. including shakes and vanilla yogurt with nothing solid in it. i like the weird Aloe drinks because it's a drink with something to chew. i hate hard candy. if i can't chew it, it doesn't matter how good it tastes. it's just not worth it.
- when i eat, my food takes precedence over everything else: other people talking to me, drinking any type of beverage, looking up to see the tv or a show, etc. it's like the world is tuned out while i focus on my food - and usually the dissecting i'm working on.
1/4 granola bar - 50
i'm planning on finding a nearby (?) grocery store for lunch. maybe i can buy a few things for tomorrow so i can stay on track today and tomorrow.
2 cheeseburgers, medium fries, diet coke from mcdonalds - 1300!!!
mother fucking mcdonalds. dammit dammit dammit! they put crack in their food. they do. i have proof. there is no way i would WANT to eat that food so badly if there isn't something more addictive in it. i never feel good afterwards, it really isn't that great to begin with, and i KNOW i shouldn't be eating it. but it gets in my head. IN my head.
I regretted it while I was doing it. I thought about stopping. Throwing away one of the cheeseburgers. Half the fries. But I didn't. I kept eating. I kept telling myself this would be the last time. This isn't my fault. I tried. I couldn't find a grocery store. I had good intentions. I tried. Then I drove by effing McDonald's. The thought of a number 2 with no pickles and no onions popped into my head. I couldn't get it out. I tried. I swear. god dammit. i failed again. dammit.
On my drive back to work I thought seriously about how I could throw up. That's the first time in a while.
coffee with powdered creamer and FAKE sugar - 15
i have neurosis with food. specific foods. specific preparations of foods. and foods i don't eat. or will only eat part of. i pride myself in it. i label myself "quirky" so others will think it's endearing instead of dysfunctional.
- i crush granola bars, ramen noodles and other crunchy foods in the wrapper so i can eat tiny pieces. i try to eat as slowly as i can.
- i don't eat breading. i peel it off if at all possible. i hate general tso's chicken because each piece of "chicken" is 90% breading. i peel chicken fingers like a fruit with a rind. it started as this crazy idea to make things more healthy, like, yes, i can eat the chicken fingers at the bar if i only eat the chicken part. or this lean cuisine would be even HEALTHIER if i peeled the breading off the fish/chicken/etc. i stopped eating breading all together years ago. and then when i came back to it and thought, i'll try this again, i didn't like it anymore. it has a gross slimy texture, or if it's done right, it's too crunchy. it has this intense oily flavor. i won't even eat tempura. i hate that oily taste. although i will eat mcdonald's french fries. and southwest bites at bw3's.
- i only eat even numbers of candies, and throw the odd ones away. the color matters too. if the numbers and colors don't match, i just dispose of them instead of trying to make it work. and i don't feel like explaining it, but i can't combine fire colors.
- when i'm in the movie theater, i'll eat as much as i can before it starts so i can SEE what i'm eating. i have to see everything i eat. know exactly what's in it. on hell's kitchen we watched the contestants go to this weird trendy restaurant in LA where you eat in the dark. it's supposed to be "all about the food." but all i could think was, omg, how the hell could i EAT there? i wouldn't know what was what, or if there is anything i need to pick out. or if there are some things i want to combine, like mashed potatoes and corn. i'm sure they don't serve mashed potatoes and corn there, but that's not the point. when nick and i watch a movie, i have to have the light on if i'm eating.
- i guess i need to see the food because i need to be able to portion everything i eat so that there is the PERFECT amount of each food on the fork - if i want them combined - or ONLY one food at a time on the fork - if i don't want them combined. and if it's something like a stew, i have to have a tiny piece of EVERY SINGLE ELEMENT in each bite. i'm really good at portioning it out so that works.
- won't eat a pickle. ever. it's taken on a sense of pride for me
- only diet pops, don't even enjoy sugar pops anymore, despite the risk associated with fake sweeteners. when i'm feeling super hungry, i get a can of diet pop. it must be something mental because pop in a bottle doesn't satisfy nearly as well. it's something about the cold aluminum and the amount you can sip from a can. a bottle is different. the plastic isn't as satisfying and you can just gulp it down. i don't like to gulp.
- i won't chew huge pieces of food. a normal sized piece of sushi is at least 4 separate bites. i hate stuffing the whole thing in my mouth. it triggers my gag reflex. when i eat steak i cut the pieces into small keyboard key sized bites. i cut everything into tiny pieces, even pizza. then i chew the hell out of whatever it is before i swallow.
- i don't like eating most foods with my fingers. there are a few exceptions, but overall i like to eat everything i can with utensils.
- i wrote about this before, but when i eat popcorn, i dissect each popcorn kernel so that ALL i'm eating is the white fluffy part. if there is any other part, i discard it. i end up with a huge pile of yellow, crunchy, stick in your teeth parts left over and i love to see how big that pile got. like, look at all that i separated out! i only ate the good stuff!
- i tend to eat the same few foods over and over because i know the calorie counts by heart: yogurt, cottage cheese, baby carrots, apples, peaches, rice, frozen veggies, edemame, canned soups, milk, frozen dinners, wendy's chili, jimmy john's #12 unwich with no mayo, tim horton's turkey club, mcdonald's grilled chicken snack wrap...
- i pick croutons (or tortilla chips) out of salads. sometimes i allow myself to have a couple, but i'll crunch them up and make them really small so each bite can have some, even though i'm only eating 2 total croutons. i read somewhere once that the dressing and croutons ruin the healthiness of a salad and have shunned them both ever since.
- in general i'm very wary of sauces. which is more than ironic because my husband's favorite thing is making sauces and putting them on everything.
- speaking of sauces, when i order salad, i always get salad dressing on the side. then i stick my fork in the dressing before loading up my fork with salad. i read once that you can eat half the calories that way. at the coney island down the street i go through half a tiny side container of dressing compared to the 3 they bring me with the salad.
- i tend to make up for good behavior (or what i THINK is good behavior) with bad, and vice versa. i started eating salads at Good Time Pizza (where i worked in high school for a little while) with marinara instead of dressing. somehow i thought the marinara was much healthier (i.e. lower calories and fat). many years later i realized that most marinaras are packed with oil and sugar. dammit. backfire. the worst part is that because i was eating so "healthy" with my marinara salads, i justified sneaking in the back store room to eat handfuls of blizzard toppings. it was exciting and disgusting all at the same time. i still crave crushed up reese's peanut butter cups and chef salads with marinara dressing.
- i pick the tiny pieces of onion out of foods and off of pizzas. there is really no reason why. long ago i decided i didn't like onions.
- i have this latent habit of ordering plain rice from a chinese restaurant when i'm out on my own, like at the mall, because it's super cheap and has a decent amount of protein for a carb-full food. i can have a small amount with soy sauce and feel really full. i started doing this when i used to do promo modeling at twelve oaks mall.
- i chew everything. everything. including shakes and vanilla yogurt with nothing solid in it. i like the weird Aloe drinks because it's a drink with something to chew. i hate hard candy. if i can't chew it, it doesn't matter how good it tastes. it's just not worth it.
- when i eat, my food takes precedence over everything else: other people talking to me, drinking any type of beverage, looking up to see the tv or a show, etc. it's like the world is tuned out while i focus on my food - and usually the dissecting i'm working on.
1/4 granola bar - 50
i'm planning on finding a nearby (?) grocery store for lunch. maybe i can buy a few things for tomorrow so i can stay on track today and tomorrow.
2 cheeseburgers, medium fries, diet coke from mcdonalds - 1300!!!
mother fucking mcdonalds. dammit dammit dammit! they put crack in their food. they do. i have proof. there is no way i would WANT to eat that food so badly if there isn't something more addictive in it. i never feel good afterwards, it really isn't that great to begin with, and i KNOW i shouldn't be eating it. but it gets in my head. IN my head.
I regretted it while I was doing it. I thought about stopping. Throwing away one of the cheeseburgers. Half the fries. But I didn't. I kept eating. I kept telling myself this would be the last time. This isn't my fault. I tried. I couldn't find a grocery store. I had good intentions. I tried. Then I drove by effing McDonald's. The thought of a number 2 with no pickles and no onions popped into my head. I couldn't get it out. I tried. I swear. god dammit. i failed again. dammit.
On my drive back to work I thought seriously about how I could throw up. That's the first time in a while.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Day 14 - My trigger: the cereal box (Wed.)
coffee with powdered creamer and real sugar - 100
tastes like crap this morning. i think it's a mental thing.
tonight i have an appointment with the therapist... maybe i should print this whole experiment out. we'll see.
i feel like drinking water is such a chore. it's like an item on my to-do list that i can never cross off. and i LOVE to cross stuff off my to-do list. no matter what, i'm always going to have to drink more. every day, day after day. and i don't like it to begin with.
1 20 oz bottle of water
1 can diet doctor pepper
i knew i should drink more water, but i couldn't do it.
1 grilled chicken salad with cheese and egg - 400?
1/2 pita - 200?
1/4 granola bar - 50
nutrition and the "baby thing" is really weighing on me. this shit is hard enough without adding "nutrition for two" into the mix. god, i have a pre-baby brain. yikes.
according to yesterday's calculations, i shouldn't eat tonight, but i know that's not going to happen...
therapy... self loathing?
actually REALLY hungry while i was sitting there.
taco salad (romaine, turkey burger, salsa, vinagrette, crumbled corn chips) - 400?
i didn't eat most of the chips, just a few. i figured that had to be the unhealthiest part of the meal.
glass of milk - 100
glass of wine - 200?
granola - 600?
dammit. why did i do it? i couldn't stop. i was only going to have a handful. nick said, hey, i bought granola today, and i got all excited. i figured i would only have a little and put it back. i should have poured a small amount in a bowl or something... :( eating cereal-type stuff out of a box is totally a trigger for binging. only i really don't purge anymore, so it's worse. for purging the best combo is a ton of dry cereal and then some ice cream type substance to top it off.
god. that killed my whole day.
2000 total-ish. bad day.
oh, but nick bought spaghetti squash! i didn't even ask him to! hopefully tomorrow will be better.
tastes like crap this morning. i think it's a mental thing.
tonight i have an appointment with the therapist... maybe i should print this whole experiment out. we'll see.
i feel like drinking water is such a chore. it's like an item on my to-do list that i can never cross off. and i LOVE to cross stuff off my to-do list. no matter what, i'm always going to have to drink more. every day, day after day. and i don't like it to begin with.
1 20 oz bottle of water
1 can diet doctor pepper
i knew i should drink more water, but i couldn't do it.
1 grilled chicken salad with cheese and egg - 400?
1/2 pita - 200?
1/4 granola bar - 50
nutrition and the "baby thing" is really weighing on me. this shit is hard enough without adding "nutrition for two" into the mix. god, i have a pre-baby brain. yikes.
according to yesterday's calculations, i shouldn't eat tonight, but i know that's not going to happen...
therapy... self loathing?
actually REALLY hungry while i was sitting there.
taco salad (romaine, turkey burger, salsa, vinagrette, crumbled corn chips) - 400?
i didn't eat most of the chips, just a few. i figured that had to be the unhealthiest part of the meal.
glass of milk - 100
glass of wine - 200?
granola - 600?
dammit. why did i do it? i couldn't stop. i was only going to have a handful. nick said, hey, i bought granola today, and i got all excited. i figured i would only have a little and put it back. i should have poured a small amount in a bowl or something... :( eating cereal-type stuff out of a box is totally a trigger for binging. only i really don't purge anymore, so it's worse. for purging the best combo is a ton of dry cereal and then some ice cream type substance to top it off.
god. that killed my whole day.
2000 total-ish. bad day.
oh, but nick bought spaghetti squash! i didn't even ask him to! hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Day 13 - the math of fat (Tues.)
1, super bad for you, but luckily tiny, shitty vanilla gas station capucino - prolly 400. ef.
so i've been thinking a lot about the math of it all. ever since realizing how many calories i eat/drink per week.
to make up for the weekend(s) i would have to eat/drink like 300 calories a day monday thru thurs. maybe that should be my new plan... 'cause like weight watchers says (and i'm paraphrasing 'cause i've never done weight watchers and this is all inference) you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want as long as it adds up to around 8400 for the week.
i'd say i'm usually around that many for the weekdays and then another 8000 on the weekend. ugh.
so what would the math be? well, first of all, i have to eat/drink less than 8000 on the weekends. if i stick to 800 per day during the week, what does that leave me? i would still have to stick to 1700-1800-ish per day on the weekend. wow. unrealistic. i DRINK that many calories per day sometimes.
ok, so like i said earlier, if i could stick to a LOWER number than 800 during the week, then the weekends would be more realistic. lets try 500 (an apple, 1/2 a granola bar, a yogurt, some veggies with 1/4 cup rice, and just water per day).
500 x 4 = 2000 weekdays
8400 - 2000 = 6400 left over for the weekend
6400 / 3 = 2133.3333333, etc. per weekend day
that's doable. if i can stick to 500 per day during the week. that will be REALLY tough. not so much for breakfast and lunch, but dinner - especially if nick makes it - is NOT going to be 200 calories...
AND if my calculations are correct on that damn capucino, i only have 100 calories left for the whole day.
2 oz-ish grilled chicken - 100
1/2 pita bread - 100
ok, so i was dying. i had to have a couple pieces of chicken and a piece of pita from yesterday's lunch left over salad. i'm definitely over 500 now.
i know i need to eat tonight though 'cause otherwise (they experts say) my metabolism will slow down. i should probably work out tonight. then i can eat how ever many calories i burn. if i "box" for 20 minutes, i think that's like 100 calories... it sounds like a great idea now, but by the time i get home i'll have no energy or motivation left. that's how it always happens. nick's going to bikram today. i should be too. gr. gr says me, to me.
potato soup - 400?
dinner roll - 200?
open faced turkey with potatoes and veggies - 800?
i scraped most of the gravy off and didn't eat the bread... that's good at least.
then the day went to complete and total shit... we're still getting nowhere with the offers on the house we want, my review at work was terrible and NICK LOST HIS WEDDING RING in the snow. i pretty much felt like crying all day.
as a "treat" we got our "cheap" version of eating out: Tim Hortons with Cold Stone. such a bad idea metabolically and financially. ef. BAD GODDAMN DAY.
turkey club - 370 (400 in my mind)
chicken noodle soup - 110
diet coke - 0
coffee ice cream with chocolate shavings - 170 (200)
yeah, i guess it actually DID make me feel a little better. :( still really sad.
2700 total-ish. bad day. bad, bad day.
so i've been thinking a lot about the math of it all. ever since realizing how many calories i eat/drink per week.
to make up for the weekend(s) i would have to eat/drink like 300 calories a day monday thru thurs. maybe that should be my new plan... 'cause like weight watchers says (and i'm paraphrasing 'cause i've never done weight watchers and this is all inference) you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want as long as it adds up to around 8400 for the week.
i'd say i'm usually around that many for the weekdays and then another 8000 on the weekend. ugh.
so what would the math be? well, first of all, i have to eat/drink less than 8000 on the weekends. if i stick to 800 per day during the week, what does that leave me? i would still have to stick to 1700-1800-ish per day on the weekend. wow. unrealistic. i DRINK that many calories per day sometimes.
ok, so like i said earlier, if i could stick to a LOWER number than 800 during the week, then the weekends would be more realistic. lets try 500 (an apple, 1/2 a granola bar, a yogurt, some veggies with 1/4 cup rice, and just water per day).
500 x 4 = 2000 weekdays
8400 - 2000 = 6400 left over for the weekend
6400 / 3 = 2133.3333333, etc. per weekend day
that's doable. if i can stick to 500 per day during the week. that will be REALLY tough. not so much for breakfast and lunch, but dinner - especially if nick makes it - is NOT going to be 200 calories...
AND if my calculations are correct on that damn capucino, i only have 100 calories left for the whole day.
2 oz-ish grilled chicken - 100
1/2 pita bread - 100
ok, so i was dying. i had to have a couple pieces of chicken and a piece of pita from yesterday's lunch left over salad. i'm definitely over 500 now.
i know i need to eat tonight though 'cause otherwise (they experts say) my metabolism will slow down. i should probably work out tonight. then i can eat how ever many calories i burn. if i "box" for 20 minutes, i think that's like 100 calories... it sounds like a great idea now, but by the time i get home i'll have no energy or motivation left. that's how it always happens. nick's going to bikram today. i should be too. gr. gr says me, to me.
potato soup - 400?
dinner roll - 200?
open faced turkey with potatoes and veggies - 800?
i scraped most of the gravy off and didn't eat the bread... that's good at least.
then the day went to complete and total shit... we're still getting nowhere with the offers on the house we want, my review at work was terrible and NICK LOST HIS WEDDING RING in the snow. i pretty much felt like crying all day.
as a "treat" we got our "cheap" version of eating out: Tim Hortons with Cold Stone. such a bad idea metabolically and financially. ef. BAD GODDAMN DAY.
turkey club - 370 (400 in my mind)
chicken noodle soup - 110
diet coke - 0
coffee ice cream with chocolate shavings - 170 (200)
yeah, i guess it actually DID make me feel a little better. :( still really sad.
2700 total-ish. bad day. bad, bad day.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Day 12 - my version of weight watchers (Mon.)
chickory coffee with skim milk
reminds me of new orleans - specifically leslie's bachelorette.
1/2 grilled chicken salad with pita
totally forgot they only take cash. shit. i had to run around the corner to 7-11. luckily they were cool about it. i'm sure i'm not the first one to have that problem.
2 20 oz bottles of water
about to get my 3rd one...
3 tacos.
that is all. i guess i'm proud of that. although it was prolly a lot of calories between the salad and the tacos, i didn't drink anything but water for lunch or dinner. that's a pretty big deal for me. i guess if the salad was like 800 (it prolly was with the pita) and the tacos were prolly 1000 with all that cheese, torilla shells and meat (even though it WAS turkey burger), i was under (or at) 2000 for the day. not good, but SOO much better than the weekend...
i'm getting really sick of keeping track of this.
reminds me of new orleans - specifically leslie's bachelorette.
1/2 grilled chicken salad with pita
totally forgot they only take cash. shit. i had to run around the corner to 7-11. luckily they were cool about it. i'm sure i'm not the first one to have that problem.
2 20 oz bottles of water
about to get my 3rd one...
3 tacos.
that is all. i guess i'm proud of that. although it was prolly a lot of calories between the salad and the tacos, i didn't drink anything but water for lunch or dinner. that's a pretty big deal for me. i guess if the salad was like 800 (it prolly was with the pita) and the tacos were prolly 1000 with all that cheese, torilla shells and meat (even though it WAS turkey burger), i was under (or at) 2000 for the day. not good, but SOO much better than the weekend...
i'm getting really sick of keeping track of this.
Day 11 - the OCD of 100 calorie packs (Sun.)
wow, remembering the whole weekend on monday is hard work! and depressing. no wonder i'm overweight. ick.
so lets see, yesterday...
3 pieces of hot n ready and 1 crazy bread with sauce
pop corn - 100
i LOVE the single serving 100 calorie packs. i eat it so slowly because i pull out each little outer kernel before i'll eat the piece of popcorn. it seems like a lot of food by the time i'm done. awesome.
little snacks / samples at Western Market - 200?
4 turkey burger tacos with cheddar, romaine, garden fresh salsa, crispy corn tortilla and onions (in the meat, otherwise i wouldn't have eaten them)
5 glasses of cabernet
chickory coffee with skim milk and simple syrup
is that all? i mean, i know that's actually a lot, but it seems like it was a lot more at the time. hmmm... i guess that's good. at least in comparison to the REST of the weekend.
so lets see, yesterday...
3 pieces of hot n ready and 1 crazy bread with sauce
pop corn - 100
i LOVE the single serving 100 calorie packs. i eat it so slowly because i pull out each little outer kernel before i'll eat the piece of popcorn. it seems like a lot of food by the time i'm done. awesome.
little snacks / samples at Western Market - 200?
4 turkey burger tacos with cheddar, romaine, garden fresh salsa, crispy corn tortilla and onions (in the meat, otherwise i wouldn't have eaten them)
5 glasses of cabernet
chickory coffee with skim milk and simple syrup
is that all? i mean, i know that's actually a lot, but it seems like it was a lot more at the time. hmmm... i guess that's good. at least in comparison to the REST of the weekend.
Day 10 - paying for a buzz (Sat.)
Dana's baby shower... i don't have any idea why i picked pasta, the shrimp looked and smelled SO good. oh well, too late now.
2 mimosas - 300?
tooo expensive. yikes.
4 pieces of bread with butter
salad with vinagrette
diet coke
mostacholi (sp??) with marinara
2 IPAs... can't remember which brand
i think it was called the Rock - in Plymouth. the regular crew (rachel, ludwig, beth, dustin, me) after the shower
1 pumkin ale, 1 IPA
omg, amazing pumkin. Liberty Street does it right. yum.
1 soft pretzel with "squeeze" cheese and horseradish mustard
then headed home...
picked up a hot n ready at nick's birthday weekend request.
4 pieces hot n ready (no crazy bread!)
pop corn - 100
um... lets see. blue light? oh, and the champagne rachel bought me! right. :)
4 glasses of L. Mawby Sex - 400?
i hope i'm remembering all that right... not sure.
2 mimosas - 300?
tooo expensive. yikes.
4 pieces of bread with butter
salad with vinagrette
diet coke
mostacholi (sp??) with marinara
2 IPAs... can't remember which brand
i think it was called the Rock - in Plymouth. the regular crew (rachel, ludwig, beth, dustin, me) after the shower
1 pumkin ale, 1 IPA
omg, amazing pumkin. Liberty Street does it right. yum.
1 soft pretzel with "squeeze" cheese and horseradish mustard
then headed home...
picked up a hot n ready at nick's birthday weekend request.
4 pieces hot n ready (no crazy bread!)
pop corn - 100
um... lets see. blue light? oh, and the champagne rachel bought me! right. :)
4 glasses of L. Mawby Sex - 400?
i hope i'm remembering all that right... not sure.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Day 9 - Nick's Birthday! (Fri.)
vitamin
dunkin donuts medium latte light - 200?
needed it. too much sex and the city last night and got to bed really late. when i'm tired, i need caffeine and calories. i used fake sugar though. damn you splenda.
2 20 oz bottles of water
lunch brought in for our meeting at work... i did a decent job of not overdoing it. especially the no mayo aspect. no mayo is a big bummer, but saves around 200 calories! crazy.
can of diet coke - 0
half jimmy john's #12 with no mayo - 400?
jimmy john's jalapeno chips - 200?
1 blue light - 150?
i read online today that blue light is one of the most high-carb light beers out there... bummer. it's one of the only light beers with a little taste. coincidence? i think not.
time for ROB-ness tonight! :) yay! good micro brew and food - AND it's all free for Nicky-Poo!
um... god. i have to try and remember what happened after this...
ok.
1 slider - 300?
Dino's turkey burger so not SO bad...
2 mugs of Bell's Winter White - 400?
black and white asiago bean dip with chips - 400?
ROB happy hour = cheap appetizers, yay!
2 pieces of veggie pizza - 400?
4 mugs of cask red and IPA - 800?
1/8 of Nick's chipotle crab pasta - 200?
3 pieces of cheese and crackers - 200?
really, one of the only things they have to eat at GO Comedy
3 Detroit Lagers - 600?
3 Bell's Winter White - 600?
back at Dino's, pretty much the only good beer on tap
a couple shots - 200?
5250?? EF. i probably way over estimated, but still! EF.
dunkin donuts medium latte light - 200?
needed it. too much sex and the city last night and got to bed really late. when i'm tired, i need caffeine and calories. i used fake sugar though. damn you splenda.
2 20 oz bottles of water
lunch brought in for our meeting at work... i did a decent job of not overdoing it. especially the no mayo aspect. no mayo is a big bummer, but saves around 200 calories! crazy.
can of diet coke - 0
half jimmy john's #12 with no mayo - 400?
jimmy john's jalapeno chips - 200?
1 blue light - 150?
i read online today that blue light is one of the most high-carb light beers out there... bummer. it's one of the only light beers with a little taste. coincidence? i think not.
time for ROB-ness tonight! :) yay! good micro brew and food - AND it's all free for Nicky-Poo!
um... god. i have to try and remember what happened after this...
ok.
1 slider - 300?
Dino's turkey burger so not SO bad...
2 mugs of Bell's Winter White - 400?
black and white asiago bean dip with chips - 400?
ROB happy hour = cheap appetizers, yay!
2 pieces of veggie pizza - 400?
4 mugs of cask red and IPA - 800?
1/8 of Nick's chipotle crab pasta - 200?
3 pieces of cheese and crackers - 200?
really, one of the only things they have to eat at GO Comedy
3 Detroit Lagers - 600?
3 Bell's Winter White - 600?
back at Dino's, pretty much the only good beer on tap
a couple shots - 200?
5250?? EF. i probably way over estimated, but still! EF.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Day 8 - ef you carbs (Thurs.)
took my first prenatal vitamin today. (NO, i am NOT pregnant).
for future reference, here's the (very boring) ingredient list:
Folate (Folic Acid) 1 mg, Riboflavin (Vitamin B2) 3 mg, Thiamin (Vitamin B-1) 3 mg, Pantothenic Acid (as calcium pantothenate) 7 mg, Vitamin B-12 (as Cyanocobalamin) 12 mcg, Niacin (as niacinamide) 15 mg, Zinc (as zinc oxide) 20 mg, Vitamin B-6 (as Pyridoxine HCl) 20 mg, Iron (as ferrous fumarate) 29 mg, Vitamin E (as dl-alpha tocopheryl acetate) 30 IU, Vitamin C (ascorbic acid) 100 mg, Calcium (as Calcium Carbonate) 200 mg, Vitamin D (as cholecalciferol) 400 IU, Vitamin A (as beta carotene) 1000 IU
coffee with powdered creamer and real sugar - 100
w/ homemade biscotti - 100
had to have the biscotti... it came from my employees. even though i really don't even like it that much. useless calories, but very sweet of them.
I remember when i used to model (yeah, yeah, i did that back when i was like 14 or something... long story) this instructor-slash-working-older-20-something-model told me that i should never eat bread. bread = evil. and while i'm at it, i shouldn't eat white rice or pasta, or really any carbs but veggies and fruits (she even poo-pooed most fruits - peaches and tomatoes were ok). i didn't even really know what carbs were at the time, but shortly after, the atkins diet hit full force and boy, we all knew what nasty little devils carbs were then.
today i was reading an article on yahoo that said to eat "butter instead of jam on toast; bacon instead of potatoes." wow. i had thought that whole trend was over, but apparently the "eat fat, any fat, as long as you avoid carbs" mantra is still alive and well.
weird side note, when i think of the physical item BUTTER, my brain immediately goes, MANTEQUILLA! weird...
1 whole 20 oz bottle of water already! - 0
random "vitamins," grape seed extract, fish oil, Paragone cleansing system
pasta with veggie and turkey sauce - 500?
left over from the other day, wish i actually knew how many calories were in it. i need to see if we can get any spaghetti squash this time of year. at least then the carbs aren't pasta carbs... i'll try to remember to talk to Nick about it.
2nd 20 oz bottle of water today - 0
can water (cold water) make your throat flemmy? the more water i drink, the more clogged up my throat gets. is that normal? i mean, i'm sure it's not normal, but do other people have this problem? what causes it? what can fix it? i wish i could go back to my no-water-drinking, always-dehydrated ways. it just seems like the more water i drink, the more i need. ick.
more damn biscotti - 100?
another 20 oz bottle. wow. floating away... - 0
1 can diet dr pepper - 0
i'm twitching. the aspartame. or the caffeine.
gonna make a cake for Nick's b-day tonight if i have time before he gets home. :)
ok, no cake. maybe tomorrow?
pasta with tomato pesto, shrimp and scallops - 1000?
would've eaten more, but this was all that was left over
3 blue lights - 400?
1 pint omegang double chocolate imperial - 200?
nicky poo's b-day!
2400 total-ish. not such a good day...
for future reference, here's the (very boring) ingredient list:
Folate (Folic Acid) 1 mg, Riboflavin (Vitamin B2) 3 mg, Thiamin (Vitamin B-1) 3 mg, Pantothenic Acid (as calcium pantothenate) 7 mg, Vitamin B-12 (as Cyanocobalamin) 12 mcg, Niacin (as niacinamide) 15 mg, Zinc (as zinc oxide) 20 mg, Vitamin B-6 (as Pyridoxine HCl) 20 mg, Iron (as ferrous fumarate) 29 mg, Vitamin E (as dl-alpha tocopheryl acetate) 30 IU, Vitamin C (ascorbic acid) 100 mg, Calcium (as Calcium Carbonate) 200 mg, Vitamin D (as cholecalciferol) 400 IU, Vitamin A (as beta carotene) 1000 IU
coffee with powdered creamer and real sugar - 100
w/ homemade biscotti - 100
had to have the biscotti... it came from my employees. even though i really don't even like it that much. useless calories, but very sweet of them.
I remember when i used to model (yeah, yeah, i did that back when i was like 14 or something... long story) this instructor-slash-working-older-20-something-model told me that i should never eat bread. bread = evil. and while i'm at it, i shouldn't eat white rice or pasta, or really any carbs but veggies and fruits (she even poo-pooed most fruits - peaches and tomatoes were ok). i didn't even really know what carbs were at the time, but shortly after, the atkins diet hit full force and boy, we all knew what nasty little devils carbs were then.
today i was reading an article on yahoo that said to eat "butter instead of jam on toast; bacon instead of potatoes." wow. i had thought that whole trend was over, but apparently the "eat fat, any fat, as long as you avoid carbs" mantra is still alive and well.
weird side note, when i think of the physical item BUTTER, my brain immediately goes, MANTEQUILLA! weird...
1 whole 20 oz bottle of water already! - 0
random "vitamins," grape seed extract, fish oil, Paragone cleansing system
pasta with veggie and turkey sauce - 500?
left over from the other day, wish i actually knew how many calories were in it. i need to see if we can get any spaghetti squash this time of year. at least then the carbs aren't pasta carbs... i'll try to remember to talk to Nick about it.
2nd 20 oz bottle of water today - 0
can water (cold water) make your throat flemmy? the more water i drink, the more clogged up my throat gets. is that normal? i mean, i'm sure it's not normal, but do other people have this problem? what causes it? what can fix it? i wish i could go back to my no-water-drinking, always-dehydrated ways. it just seems like the more water i drink, the more i need. ick.
more damn biscotti - 100?
another 20 oz bottle. wow. floating away... - 0
1 can diet dr pepper - 0
i'm twitching. the aspartame. or the caffeine.
gonna make a cake for Nick's b-day tonight if i have time before he gets home. :)
ok, no cake. maybe tomorrow?
pasta with tomato pesto, shrimp and scallops - 1000?
would've eaten more, but this was all that was left over
3 blue lights - 400?
1 pint omegang double chocolate imperial - 200?
nicky poo's b-day!
2400 total-ish. not such a good day...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Day 6 - saving up (Wed.)
I always feel like I start out so well. i know others would argue, because breakfast is supposed to make you skinnier or something, and it's the "most important meal of the day" according to our grandmothers, and maybe some nutritionists, but really, i can't get that excited about breakfast. first of all, it's totally not worth waking up earlier. if i can sleep 5 minutes longer and sacrifice eating, absolutely worth it.
secondly, i really don't like breakfast food. not that it would matter, because it isn't like there's an abundance of it available when i wake up, but even if there was, still not that excited about it. i'm not gonna have a hamburger for breakfast. well, yeah, ok, i guess i would. if someone put it in front of me. anyway, that brings me to the real point.
thirdly, i feel like i'm "saving up" or something. like, if i don't eat a lot throughout the day, i can get away with more later. yes, i get progressively more hungry as the day goes on, so why not plan for it? sometimes i screw that up by eating too much for lunch, but if i don't, then i can have a decent sized dinner WITH alcohol and i don't go WAY over 800 calories. i mean, i usually do, but at least it's a total of 2000 and not 5000... i've done 5000 plenty in the past.
coffee with creamer and real sugar - 100?
the splenda stared at me with those little yellow packets of calorielessness.
it's really hard to concentrate on anything when we're MAKING AN OFFER ON THE HOUSE TODAY. omg. and i have to go to my old office this afternoon... i'm going to have to buy lunch even though nick sent left over pasta with me. that's bad on both a food and money level.
somehow food and money are always linked. in a bad way. i love excess in both but feel best about myself when i don't come in contact with eating or spending at all.
i keep thinking how - if we GET the new house!!! - we can get a kegorator (sP?) and then save tons of money. although then the beer will be even more easily accessible, but there's rarely any time when alcohol ISN'T readily available in our house. side note: if/when i'm pregnant, i guess this will be a money saver as well as a calorie saver. that's a BIG positive among all the negatives of pregnancy. selfish? yes.
i need to drink more water today.
1/4 granola bar - 50 calories
20 oz bottle of water - 0
good job me.
Wendy's jr. double cheeseburger with mandarin oranges and light lemonade - 550
all that rambling earlier about "starting out well" and i already messed it up.
diet coke - 0
shrimp and scallop pasta with tomato pesto sauce - prolly like 1000?
dude. bad news. i need like a pre-portioned amount. like a tv dinner. i do good on my first helping, small, conservative. but then i always go back if there's more left. i should just save it for lunch the next day, but i always have to get more.
2 1/2 blue lights - 400?
i felt like we should "celebrate" putting an offer on the house. although it sounds like there's no way our offer will even come close to what they need/want to take. i'm really freaking out about it, which makes me want to stuff myself or starve myself or both, if that was possible. i always find an excuse to have a beer - "celebrate" some mid-important event is probably one of the most common excuses.
2100 total-ish...
ugh.
secondly, i really don't like breakfast food. not that it would matter, because it isn't like there's an abundance of it available when i wake up, but even if there was, still not that excited about it. i'm not gonna have a hamburger for breakfast. well, yeah, ok, i guess i would. if someone put it in front of me. anyway, that brings me to the real point.
thirdly, i feel like i'm "saving up" or something. like, if i don't eat a lot throughout the day, i can get away with more later. yes, i get progressively more hungry as the day goes on, so why not plan for it? sometimes i screw that up by eating too much for lunch, but if i don't, then i can have a decent sized dinner WITH alcohol and i don't go WAY over 800 calories. i mean, i usually do, but at least it's a total of 2000 and not 5000... i've done 5000 plenty in the past.
coffee with creamer and real sugar - 100?
the splenda stared at me with those little yellow packets of calorielessness.
it's really hard to concentrate on anything when we're MAKING AN OFFER ON THE HOUSE TODAY. omg. and i have to go to my old office this afternoon... i'm going to have to buy lunch even though nick sent left over pasta with me. that's bad on both a food and money level.
somehow food and money are always linked. in a bad way. i love excess in both but feel best about myself when i don't come in contact with eating or spending at all.
i keep thinking how - if we GET the new house!!! - we can get a kegorator (sP?) and then save tons of money. although then the beer will be even more easily accessible, but there's rarely any time when alcohol ISN'T readily available in our house. side note: if/when i'm pregnant, i guess this will be a money saver as well as a calorie saver. that's a BIG positive among all the negatives of pregnancy. selfish? yes.
i need to drink more water today.
1/4 granola bar - 50 calories
20 oz bottle of water - 0
good job me.
Wendy's jr. double cheeseburger with mandarin oranges and light lemonade - 550
all that rambling earlier about "starting out well" and i already messed it up.
diet coke - 0
shrimp and scallop pasta with tomato pesto sauce - prolly like 1000?
dude. bad news. i need like a pre-portioned amount. like a tv dinner. i do good on my first helping, small, conservative. but then i always go back if there's more left. i should just save it for lunch the next day, but i always have to get more.
2 1/2 blue lights - 400?
i felt like we should "celebrate" putting an offer on the house. although it sounds like there's no way our offer will even come close to what they need/want to take. i'm really freaking out about it, which makes me want to stuff myself or starve myself or both, if that was possible. i always find an excuse to have a beer - "celebrate" some mid-important event is probably one of the most common excuses.
2100 total-ish...
ugh.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Day 5 - thinspo vs. reality check (Tues.)
coffee with powdered creamer and real sugar - 100?
i still can't decide if being fat from calorie-filled sugar or getting sick from cancer-filled sweeteners is worse (slash-better). I go back and forth.
found out about Portia de Rossi's memoir from a blogger-friend today. 'Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain' reading about it makes me feel weak. it's a combo of thinspo and reality check. i don't want to be 82 pounds, but i should have just an OUNCE of her willpower and strength, right? i'm thinking about posting a pic of her at the bottom... it looks sick. it makes me want to lose weight, but reminds me that i wouldn't want to look like THAT.
1/2 salad and 3/4 pita from yesterday's lunch - 500?
i'm super SUPER dehydrated today. more than usual. my eyeballs actually hurt from being so dry. i think i should get water, but for some reason that seems like a HUGE chore to go to the water cooler...
ok. finally.
2 20 oz bottles of water - 0
good job me.
can of diet Dr. Pepper - 0
damn you aspartame.
by the time i had driven 1 hour and 55 minutes to get home, i was ready to eat. and to drink. not very concerned about calories or health. :(
pasta with turkey/veggie sauce - 1000?
i knew i should stop eating after the first bowl, but i couldn't... i was enjoying NOT driving and stuffing my face too much.
3 small glasses of sangria... - 300?
totally unnecessary. half the reason i even had sangria was because there really wasn't anything else to drink besides tap water. i hate drinking water in general... i know that's bad, but i really only drink it to stay alive. not because it has any other redeeming qualities in my opinion.
i feel like i'm missing something... did i eat something else? damn. it's driving me crazy...
well, i guess i'll go with:
1900 total-ish
i still can't decide if being fat from calorie-filled sugar or getting sick from cancer-filled sweeteners is worse (slash-better). I go back and forth.
found out about Portia de Rossi's memoir from a blogger-friend today. 'Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain' reading about it makes me feel weak. it's a combo of thinspo and reality check. i don't want to be 82 pounds, but i should have just an OUNCE of her willpower and strength, right? i'm thinking about posting a pic of her at the bottom... it looks sick. it makes me want to lose weight, but reminds me that i wouldn't want to look like THAT.
1/2 salad and 3/4 pita from yesterday's lunch - 500?
i'm super SUPER dehydrated today. more than usual. my eyeballs actually hurt from being so dry. i think i should get water, but for some reason that seems like a HUGE chore to go to the water cooler...
ok. finally.
2 20 oz bottles of water - 0
good job me.
can of diet Dr. Pepper - 0
damn you aspartame.
by the time i had driven 1 hour and 55 minutes to get home, i was ready to eat. and to drink. not very concerned about calories or health. :(
pasta with turkey/veggie sauce - 1000?
i knew i should stop eating after the first bowl, but i couldn't... i was enjoying NOT driving and stuffing my face too much.
3 small glasses of sangria... - 300?
totally unnecessary. half the reason i even had sangria was because there really wasn't anything else to drink besides tap water. i hate drinking water in general... i know that's bad, but i really only drink it to stay alive. not because it has any other redeeming qualities in my opinion.
i feel like i'm missing something... did i eat something else? damn. it's driving me crazy...
well, i guess i'll go with:
1900 total-ish
Monday, January 10, 2011
Day 4 - Proud-ish (Mon.)
Diet Dr. Pepper - 0 Calories
Forgot my lunch, but that's ok, i can have it for dinner...
1/4 granola bar = 50 calories
Louie's potato soup, cup = 300?
1/2 julienne salad with greek dressing and 1/4 pita bread - 400?
water. yes, i had water instead of diet. really to save money more than be healthy, but i'm proud of myself either way. i'm planning on no alcohol tonight.
Sweet potato fries with sauce – 200?
Crawfish ettoufee with dirty rice ½ a bowl – 400?
a large apple = 100
piece of peppermint bark - 100?
no alcohol. proud.
1550 total-ish? wow... better day.
Forgot my lunch, but that's ok, i can have it for dinner...
1/4 granola bar = 50 calories
Louie's potato soup, cup = 300?
1/2 julienne salad with greek dressing and 1/4 pita bread - 400?
water. yes, i had water instead of diet. really to save money more than be healthy, but i'm proud of myself either way. i'm planning on no alcohol tonight.
Sweet potato fries with sauce – 200?
Crawfish ettoufee with dirty rice ½ a bowl – 400?
a large apple = 100
piece of peppermint bark - 100?
no alcohol. proud.
1550 total-ish? wow... better day.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Day 3 - always a reason to celebrate (Sun.)
left over chilled coffee with milk and simple syrup - 100 calories?
yum. not hungry anymore. :)
feeling like i should eat but know i'm going to have too much for dinner at dave and michelle's... maybe nick will be bringing food home from work as well. that's always the worry. what if i just ate and nick brings home food? i usually don't have the willpower to turn down the new food arrival.
only a couple hours til nick's rents get here to look at 206 College. i should prolly eat before they get here...
it went so well!! i can't believe they actually loved the house! omg, i can't even imagine what it would be like if the house thing actually works out... we discussed it over a dinner of:
Key lime pie martini – 200 calories?
Wow, yum. Worth the calories. I think.
White fish dip with crackers – 200 calories?
Probably my second favorite thing at Howe’s. Probably not that bad for me? Protein calories = good, in my mind.
Founders pale ale – 150 calories?
Corn bread 1 piece with honey – 200?
Good, but probably not worth the calories.
Sweet potato fries with sauce – 200?
Crawfish ettoufee with dirty rice ½ a bowl – 500?
I only ate half! Even though I really wanted to eat the whole thing. Good job me. And now I have dinner for tomorrow too!
Irish coffee – 300?
Totally unnecessary… should have gone with regular coffee, not a fru-fru version. Although I think the alcohol may have been helpful during the crazy finances convo.
3 small glasses of sangria – 300?
Couldn’t quit drinking at this point. Kinda a pre-celebration? Shouldn’t be celebrating YET though.
Something I’m thinking now? Well, without the alcoholic portions of my meal, I’d only be at 1200. Which is almost acceptable – meaning near (much near-ER) to the 800 goal.
Anyway…
2150 total-ish?
yum. not hungry anymore. :)
feeling like i should eat but know i'm going to have too much for dinner at dave and michelle's... maybe nick will be bringing food home from work as well. that's always the worry. what if i just ate and nick brings home food? i usually don't have the willpower to turn down the new food arrival.
only a couple hours til nick's rents get here to look at 206 College. i should prolly eat before they get here...
it went so well!! i can't believe they actually loved the house! omg, i can't even imagine what it would be like if the house thing actually works out... we discussed it over a dinner of:
Key lime pie martini – 200 calories?
Wow, yum. Worth the calories. I think.
White fish dip with crackers – 200 calories?
Probably my second favorite thing at Howe’s. Probably not that bad for me? Protein calories = good, in my mind.
Founders pale ale – 150 calories?
Corn bread 1 piece with honey – 200?
Good, but probably not worth the calories.
Sweet potato fries with sauce – 200?
Crawfish ettoufee with dirty rice ½ a bowl – 500?
I only ate half! Even though I really wanted to eat the whole thing. Good job me. And now I have dinner for tomorrow too!
Irish coffee – 300?
Totally unnecessary… should have gone with regular coffee, not a fru-fru version. Although I think the alcohol may have been helpful during the crazy finances convo.
3 small glasses of sangria – 300?
Couldn’t quit drinking at this point. Kinda a pre-celebration? Shouldn’t be celebrating YET though.
Something I’m thinking now? Well, without the alcoholic portions of my meal, I’d only be at 1200. Which is almost acceptable – meaning near (much near-ER) to the 800 goal.
Anyway…
2150 total-ish?
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Day 2 - not hungry but eating anyway (Sat.)
ok... um, doing this a day late, let's see...
coffee with milk and simple syrup - 100 calories?
not hungry anymore. love me some sweet coffee.
banana bread and a donut hole at choir - 300 calories?
hungry again. already. and it was soooo good and still warm. feeling a little guilty because i was planning on going to book club "brunch."
f-ed up. book club is tomorrow. ef. gave up on "eating healthy" for the day. went to gordon's to watch the game and Prince of Persia.
3 cups of cheese puffs - 200 calories?
at least they're organic. that makes me feel a little better. however, mystified about making "organic" and "natural" orange cheese powder.
2 pieces of supreme pizza, domino's - 400 calories?
2 pieces of quesedilla - 200 calories?
not hungry at this point, but feeling like eating anyway.
2 Short's Pandemonium - 300 calories?
didn't want to leave the rest behind but didn't feel comfortable taking it. money and food have a f-ed up relationship in my mind. binging on food and money go hand in hand. i know i'm better off if i don't spend any (much) money and don't eat any (much) food.
1 Red Stripe - 150 calories?
Came home and Nick brought food from work for me. I ate it. I didn't need to.
chicken dumpling soup - 500 calories?
i realize i'm starting to estimate calories like i estimate damage on vehicles... very educated guesses, but could be WAY off, since i'm not a PDR guy (or a nutritionist)
5 small glasses of sangria - 500 calories?
headache again. suspecting the sangria.
2600 total-ish?
coffee with milk and simple syrup - 100 calories?
not hungry anymore. love me some sweet coffee.
banana bread and a donut hole at choir - 300 calories?
hungry again. already. and it was soooo good and still warm. feeling a little guilty because i was planning on going to book club "brunch."
f-ed up. book club is tomorrow. ef. gave up on "eating healthy" for the day. went to gordon's to watch the game and Prince of Persia.
3 cups of cheese puffs - 200 calories?
at least they're organic. that makes me feel a little better. however, mystified about making "organic" and "natural" orange cheese powder.
2 pieces of supreme pizza, domino's - 400 calories?
2 pieces of quesedilla - 200 calories?
not hungry at this point, but feeling like eating anyway.
2 Short's Pandemonium - 300 calories?
didn't want to leave the rest behind but didn't feel comfortable taking it. money and food have a f-ed up relationship in my mind. binging on food and money go hand in hand. i know i'm better off if i don't spend any (much) money and don't eat any (much) food.
1 Red Stripe - 150 calories?
Came home and Nick brought food from work for me. I ate it. I didn't need to.
chicken dumpling soup - 500 calories?
i realize i'm starting to estimate calories like i estimate damage on vehicles... very educated guesses, but could be WAY off, since i'm not a PDR guy (or a nutritionist)
5 small glasses of sangria - 500 calories?
headache again. suspecting the sangria.
2600 total-ish?
Friday, January 7, 2011
Day 1 - inexact science of rounding up (Fri.)
Gatorade – both G and G2 – probably about 150 calories
Worried about the sugar in the G and the chemical non-sugar in the G2, which is worse… which will make me gain more weight?
1/4 of a granola bar – mentally clocked the 45 calories and rounded up to 50
Homemade ravioli with scallop/etc filling, asian sauce, carrots, brocolini, squash – no idea - 500 calories?
Equally worried about how many calories it probably is and insanely happy with Nick’s first attempt at pasta making with the pasta maker I got him for xmas. Positive = vegetables, negative = carbs: pasta and sauce style
1 20 oz bottle of water... that's good for me. Better than dehydrated as usual.
another 1/4 granola - 50 calories (so i'm at, like, 750 in my brain...)
only 50 more allowed for the day, but when i get home i'm for sure gonna eat whatever nick makes and drink some beer. then the switch will flip from "nothing" to "too much" and it's over. too much is too much whether its 100 extra calories or 2000.
homemade soup with parsnip, carrot, potato, ground turkey, and heavy cream - no idea how many calories - 500?
not so happy about the heavy cream, but everything else is positive. too bad i ate too much of it. i had half a bowl so i could go back for seconds, but then when i went back for seconds i got a full bowl and felt stuffed.
3 pieces of chocolate - 200 calories?
1 homemade wheat beer - 200 calories?
6 small glasses of sangria - 600 calories?
headache made me stop
2200 total-ish?
Worried about the sugar in the G and the chemical non-sugar in the G2, which is worse… which will make me gain more weight?
1/4 of a granola bar – mentally clocked the 45 calories and rounded up to 50
Homemade ravioli with scallop/etc filling, asian sauce, carrots, brocolini, squash – no idea - 500 calories?
Equally worried about how many calories it probably is and insanely happy with Nick’s first attempt at pasta making with the pasta maker I got him for xmas. Positive = vegetables, negative = carbs: pasta and sauce style
1 20 oz bottle of water... that's good for me. Better than dehydrated as usual.
another 1/4 granola - 50 calories (so i'm at, like, 750 in my brain...)
only 50 more allowed for the day, but when i get home i'm for sure gonna eat whatever nick makes and drink some beer. then the switch will flip from "nothing" to "too much" and it's over. too much is too much whether its 100 extra calories or 2000.
homemade soup with parsnip, carrot, potato, ground turkey, and heavy cream - no idea how many calories - 500?
not so happy about the heavy cream, but everything else is positive. too bad i ate too much of it. i had half a bowl so i could go back for seconds, but then when i went back for seconds i got a full bowl and felt stuffed.
3 pieces of chocolate - 200 calories?
1 homemade wheat beer - 200 calories?
6 small glasses of sangria - 600 calories?
headache made me stop
2200 total-ish?
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