Self Loathing: Part Deux

Goal:

Especially in my hard core ED days and even now, I feel like I want people to notice me. In my (crazy?) mind there are 2 ways to do that: have people say, "whoa, there goes a fat girl." Or have people say, "whoa, did you see how skinny she is?" Obviously one is more desirable than the other (at least to me).

I've spent most of my life - since my pre-teen years - looking at the world this way. I think I'll probably always want people to notice me. But lately - just the past few years - I've been trying my damnedest to want people to notice me for reasons like, "wow, your concert was amazing." Or, "I couldn't put that book you wrote down." Or even, "Where did you get those awesome shoes?"

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not succeeding very well. Instead of those things, I'd still like people to say, "check out the skinny girl," when they see me. But I'm NOT the skinny girl anymore - and I want to be ok with that... I'm filling the void with other things and working hard to make them as (or more) important.

It's sure as hell not easy.

If only I listened to my own advice:

from my perspective and from what i've been through, my two cents: in any addictive situation, (quitting smoking, drinking too much, binging, etc.) sometimes "less" is all you can handle at first. if you are purging less than before, you have made progress. bottom line. then the goal is always for less... maybe you'll never fully stop (i haven't and it's been 15 years) but once every 6 months is so much better than a few times a day. just like once a week is so much better than once a day... it might always be a struggle, but don't let yourself give in or give up just because you had a weak moment. lapses are not failures, they are just lapses. i am an all or nothing person, so i totally understand, but if you can look at it as grey, and not as black and white, you will feel more powerful.
always strive for whatever your personal "less" is and don't hate yourself if you can't be "none". less is still huge progress.

Medication:

If you seek to even out the horrible lows, you need to be willing to sign a mental consent form to sacrifice the beautiful highs. This is how I feel about medication.

Subconscious:

bad dreams persist. i haven't had a good night sleep in a long time. my mind is crazed and anxiety-ridden.

i hated who i was when i used to take meds for my brain. i didn't hate myself when i took them, just when i look back on who i was (or wasn't) when i was under their influence. i loathe the idea of giving in and medicating, but i'm getting to my wit's end. i don't think i can live life like this anymore.

maybe i need to seek help.