things i hate about me:
- biting my cuticles and consciously (and even subconsciously) hiding my hands from everyone
- feeling like everyone is out to get me and that they have a sinister hidden agenda
- doing everything all or nothing, no moderation
- completely irrational fear of pressure on my fingertips, especially my index fingers
- physical and psychological weight and appearance obsession, yet doing nothing about it and feeling helpless
- indecisive about EVERYTHING
- lack of chin and jawline
- having a mid-life crisis at 30
- the way i walk
- skating by with acceptable accomplishments, making excuses for mediocracy, time wasting and procrastination: never MASTERED anything in life
rant:
this is not a temper tantrum. this is life. and i'm stuck in it. i'm supposed to feel supported because i'm the one supporting everything. but my sacrifices don't mean shit. i mean, they probably do for a few minutes when it makes sense to the rest of the world. when everyone else can nod and say - without interrupting their own impulses and wants - yes, yes, that's noble what you're doing, keep doing it. but then they say, oh, wait, that is only until you start to feel crazy and expect me to make adjustments in MY life for you. no, that doesn't work. can we go back to YOU making all the sacrifices?
i need to quit being so co-dependent, or rather, DEPENDENT. i'm not getting any sense of CO anywhere, except my husband when i rant to him, and my parents, to whom i can do no wrong. i keep telling myself that one of these days i'll actually get what i want. all my work will go toward something and i will matter. i will be an acting part of my own life. that's what i tell myself. i hate optimists just for that reason. it must suck, somewhere deep down inside to know that you're lying to yourself. as much as i hate optimism, i'm sickingly jealous of it. i wish i could be happy. i wish i could feel content. i wish i could make a decision - life or otherwise - without feeling like choosing wrong is life or death.
i complain about all my hard work, but really, half the time i sit on my ass. i let life go by. i dream and think and hope and pray about all the things i want for myself, EXPECT for myself, but the effort gets stuck in the planning stages. no wonder no one notices or cares about my efforts - 50% or more is internal.
i need to learn to live more for ME. i live for everyone else. i see it but it doesn't make a difference. i have moments of pure selfishness, but they're rare. days like my birthday or when something extraordinarily good happens to me. when the people in my life say to me, you need to quit putting everyone else first, quit being a doormat, stand up for yourself, care about yourself as much as you care about other people - then some of those people are the ones who are taking you for granted, telling you they love you, doing nice things when it's convenient, but ultimately putting themselves first.
and when i try. when i TRY to put myself first, take care of myself, be selfish for once, it all backfires in my face and i regret it. then i sit and cry and wish my life was different, but i don't do anything about it. why is that? i have no idea.
i have a lack of motivation. not that i don't have motivational thoughts and not that i don't have dreams or a path, more that i stifle myself. i lack the type of motivation that comes from self-worth - believing you can overcome, move on, get over it. i'm just too scared. scared someone will take what i care about and just step on it. it happens all the time, but at least i don't put the real stuff out there too often, otherwise that would get stomped on too.
and i'm sure none of this really makes sense. when i make myself think about it rationally, its all clear, i know i can do it. do SOMETHING. but in real life, when i'm sitting in my cubicle at 7 am, it seems nonsenseical. i'll talk myself out of believing that i can do more with my life. i'll go back to my non-motivated, dependent ways and apologize and do what i have to do to make a little money, and live the life that i'm going to live for a long time. probably forever.
Mistakes:
I feel like as people get older they should get better at things and have a larger list of specialties. The opposite has happened to me over time. In high school I was The best at so many things. At least I thought I was in such a small pool of people. Its only gone downhill since then.
The ultimate hello to my ego is the idea of putting together a resume. There aren't that many positive qualities I can think of. And the few things that I consider myself good at don't look good on paper.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. The biggest ones are that I worked against my own abilities. I never pursued things that I love or am good at. And when I did, I did not succeed.
The list goes on:
Going back to school for an unrealistic architecture degree.
Trying to get an engineering degree in the first place.
Getting into NELP.
Applying at the university of michigan.
Buying a shitty little (although cute) house.
Never taking any internships.
Quitting merit network.
Staying in sales - even now.
Going to itt.
Taking out huge student loans.
Didn't get an education degree.
Thought making money was more important than finding something I love.
Lifestyle problems:
i starting to suspect that my self-worth or lack thereof directly relates to the amount of tv i watch. and i watch way too much. i'm always lamenting how busy i am, yet i do watch a decent amount of tv. and on weekends i have a relatively active social life. and i definitely put things off until later. you can't put things off until later unless you have time to do them now, right? i don't know. i must thrive on stress and busyness, because when i'm not busy, i have a hard time thinking of something to do with myself. when i AM busy, it's impossible to get everything done. yet the same amount of "stuff" seems to exist in both situations. sometimes i feel more sane if i have a lot to do, but i completely ignore it. at least temporarily. give myself this false idea of, it's not that important, i really don't care (even though i really do) and then i wait until i'm FREAKING OUT to get it done because then something that would have taken me a week when i'm not busy gets done in a day because i am. what the hell?
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