today is a splenda day.
coffee with powdered creamer and FAKE sugar - 15
i have neurosis with food. specific foods. specific preparations of foods. and foods i don't eat. or will only eat part of. i pride myself in it. i label myself "quirky" so others will think it's endearing instead of dysfunctional.
- i crush granola bars, ramen noodles and other crunchy foods in the wrapper so i can eat tiny pieces. i try to eat as slowly as i can.
- i don't eat breading. i peel it off if at all possible. i hate general tso's chicken because each piece of "chicken" is 90% breading. i peel chicken fingers like a fruit with a rind. it started as this crazy idea to make things more healthy, like, yes, i can eat the chicken fingers at the bar if i only eat the chicken part. or this lean cuisine would be even HEALTHIER if i peeled the breading off the fish/chicken/etc. i stopped eating breading all together years ago. and then when i came back to it and thought, i'll try this again, i didn't like it anymore. it has a gross slimy texture, or if it's done right, it's too crunchy. it has this intense oily flavor. i won't even eat tempura. i hate that oily taste. although i will eat mcdonald's french fries. and southwest bites at bw3's.
- i only eat even numbers of candies, and throw the odd ones away. the color matters too. if the numbers and colors don't match, i just dispose of them instead of trying to make it work. and i don't feel like explaining it, but i can't combine fire colors.
- when i'm in the movie theater, i'll eat as much as i can before it starts so i can SEE what i'm eating. i have to see everything i eat. know exactly what's in it. on hell's kitchen we watched the contestants go to this weird trendy restaurant in LA where you eat in the dark. it's supposed to be "all about the food." but all i could think was, omg, how the hell could i EAT there? i wouldn't know what was what, or if there is anything i need to pick out. or if there are some things i want to combine, like mashed potatoes and corn. i'm sure they don't serve mashed potatoes and corn there, but that's not the point. when nick and i watch a movie, i have to have the light on if i'm eating.
- i guess i need to see the food because i need to be able to portion everything i eat so that there is the PERFECT amount of each food on the fork - if i want them combined - or ONLY one food at a time on the fork - if i don't want them combined. and if it's something like a stew, i have to have a tiny piece of EVERY SINGLE ELEMENT in each bite. i'm really good at portioning it out so that works.
- won't eat a pickle. ever. it's taken on a sense of pride for me
- only diet pops, don't even enjoy sugar pops anymore, despite the risk associated with fake sweeteners. when i'm feeling super hungry, i get a can of diet pop. it must be something mental because pop in a bottle doesn't satisfy nearly as well. it's something about the cold aluminum and the amount you can sip from a can. a bottle is different. the plastic isn't as satisfying and you can just gulp it down. i don't like to gulp.
- i won't chew huge pieces of food. a normal sized piece of sushi is at least 4 separate bites. i hate stuffing the whole thing in my mouth. it triggers my gag reflex. when i eat steak i cut the pieces into small keyboard key sized bites. i cut everything into tiny pieces, even pizza. then i chew the hell out of whatever it is before i swallow.
- i don't like eating most foods with my fingers. there are a few exceptions, but overall i like to eat everything i can with utensils.
- i wrote about this before, but when i eat popcorn, i dissect each popcorn kernel so that ALL i'm eating is the white fluffy part. if there is any other part, i discard it. i end up with a huge pile of yellow, crunchy, stick in your teeth parts left over and i love to see how big that pile got. like, look at all that i separated out! i only ate the good stuff!
- i tend to eat the same few foods over and over because i know the calorie counts by heart: yogurt, cottage cheese, baby carrots, apples, peaches, rice, frozen veggies, edemame, canned soups, milk, frozen dinners, wendy's chili, jimmy john's #12 unwich with no mayo, tim horton's turkey club, mcdonald's grilled chicken snack wrap...
- i pick croutons (or tortilla chips) out of salads. sometimes i allow myself to have a couple, but i'll crunch them up and make them really small so each bite can have some, even though i'm only eating 2 total croutons. i read somewhere once that the dressing and croutons ruin the healthiness of a salad and have shunned them both ever since.
- in general i'm very wary of sauces. which is more than ironic because my husband's favorite thing is making sauces and putting them on everything.
- speaking of sauces, when i order salad, i always get salad dressing on the side. then i stick my fork in the dressing before loading up my fork with salad. i read once that you can eat half the calories that way. at the coney island down the street i go through half a tiny side container of dressing compared to the 3 they bring me with the salad.
- i tend to make up for good behavior (or what i THINK is good behavior) with bad, and vice versa. i started eating salads at Good Time Pizza (where i worked in high school for a little while) with marinara instead of dressing. somehow i thought the marinara was much healthier (i.e. lower calories and fat). many years later i realized that most marinaras are packed with oil and sugar. dammit. backfire. the worst part is that because i was eating so "healthy" with my marinara salads, i justified sneaking in the back store room to eat handfuls of blizzard toppings. it was exciting and disgusting all at the same time. i still crave crushed up reese's peanut butter cups and chef salads with marinara dressing.
- i pick the tiny pieces of onion out of foods and off of pizzas. there is really no reason why. long ago i decided i didn't like onions.
- i have this latent habit of ordering plain rice from a chinese restaurant when i'm out on my own, like at the mall, because it's super cheap and has a decent amount of protein for a carb-full food. i can have a small amount with soy sauce and feel really full. i started doing this when i used to do promo modeling at twelve oaks mall.
- i chew everything. everything. including shakes and vanilla yogurt with nothing solid in it. i like the weird Aloe drinks because it's a drink with something to chew. i hate hard candy. if i can't chew it, it doesn't matter how good it tastes. it's just not worth it.
- when i eat, my food takes precedence over everything else: other people talking to me, drinking any type of beverage, looking up to see the tv or a show, etc. it's like the world is tuned out while i focus on my food - and usually the dissecting i'm working on.
1/4 granola bar - 50
i'm planning on finding a nearby (?) grocery store for lunch. maybe i can buy a few things for tomorrow so i can stay on track today and tomorrow.
2 cheeseburgers, medium fries, diet coke from mcdonalds - 1300!!!
mother fucking mcdonalds. dammit dammit dammit! they put crack in their food. they do. i have proof. there is no way i would WANT to eat that food so badly if there isn't something more addictive in it. i never feel good afterwards, it really isn't that great to begin with, and i KNOW i shouldn't be eating it. but it gets in my head. IN my head.
I regretted it while I was doing it. I thought about stopping. Throwing away one of the cheeseburgers. Half the fries. But I didn't. I kept eating. I kept telling myself this would be the last time. This isn't my fault. I tried. I couldn't find a grocery store. I had good intentions. I tried. Then I drove by effing McDonald's. The thought of a number 2 with no pickles and no onions popped into my head. I couldn't get it out. I tried. I swear. god dammit. i failed again. dammit.
On my drive back to work I thought seriously about how I could throw up. That's the first time in a while.
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