Essentially this is the journal of my life with one caviat. This journal is very simply my life as seen in relation to food.
I've never really been very open about this part of my life. It's something new I'm trying. We'll see.
Factors affecting this journal (from the onset at least, i'm sure they might change or grow):
1. I lived a large portion of my life eating less than 800 calories a day
2. I lived another portion of my life binging and purging (with some overlap)
3. Now I tend to live my life fluctuating between "less that 800" and binging
4. Purging hasn't been a part of my life for a while, but that makes the binging that much worse for my self-esteem
5. Food is one of my favorite things
6. Food is one of the things I hate the most
7. I drink to "unwind" on a regular basis
8. The number 1 activity that my friends, family and I love to share is having an indulgent meal with indulgent drinks
9. My husband is a very talented chef
10. The doctor told me to lose weight, lower my cholesterol, watch my blood pressure, excersize more, eat less salt, eat more nutritious food
11. I am at least 30 pounds overweight for my age, height and build. I would like to lose 60.
12. At times, my appearance / weight is more important to me than my health.
13. I am aware that my husband and I's currently fictitous, possible future baby, aptly named Game Changer (Changer for short), will change many of these priorities. But how exactly?
14. Skinny equals happy.
Here I go...
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Day 30 - Food as a gift (Fri.)
office coffee with powdered creamer and real sugar - 100?
blueberry bagel - 200?
this was not planned at all. the drivers brought it to me. i'm completely unable to turn down food-as-a-gift. it's a weakness that i can't stand about myself. even if i don't really like it. even if i could just throw it away when the gifter isn't looking. i end up eating it anyway. it's free. it's a sweet gesture. i can't help it.
same goes for free food in general. for some reason my brain goes, "it's FREE! make sure you take the most advantage of this free, generous act as you can." this happens at choir when people bring stuff like cheese and crackers or toffee candy in. this happens when we have a meeting at work and i eat 4 pieces of deep dish pizza instead of the 2 i would normally eat. this happens if i stay at a hotel that offers continental breakfast included in the room rate.
i STUFF myself. i "make it worth my while." god, gross.
blueberry bagel - 200?
this was not planned at all. the drivers brought it to me. i'm completely unable to turn down food-as-a-gift. it's a weakness that i can't stand about myself. even if i don't really like it. even if i could just throw it away when the gifter isn't looking. i end up eating it anyway. it's free. it's a sweet gesture. i can't help it.
same goes for free food in general. for some reason my brain goes, "it's FREE! make sure you take the most advantage of this free, generous act as you can." this happens at choir when people bring stuff like cheese and crackers or toffee candy in. this happens when we have a meeting at work and i eat 4 pieces of deep dish pizza instead of the 2 i would normally eat. this happens if i stay at a hotel that offers continental breakfast included in the room rate.
i STUFF myself. i "make it worth my while." god, gross.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Day 29 - Snacky food (Thurs.)
1 20 oz bottle of water - 0
it's been too long. my lips are dry.
3 wings - 600?
i heated up 4 of them. i actually thought i would eat them and then heat up more, but i couldnt' even finish the first 4. i sat in the lunch room by myself, super happy that no one was around. i tried to eat them with a fork and knife. i broke 2 tines off the plastic fork. i was making a mess and getting sauce under my finger nails. it was making me feel disgusted for so many reasons. i just really hate eating with my fingers. and i hate anyone watching me eat messy food.
so of course, coworkers started coming in. i wish i had eaten at my desk, but i hate that too. i basically had to stop eating to talk to them, and by the time they left, i just threw the 4th wing away. it was kinda cold and i just couldn't eat it. it was too much trouble.
apple - 100
1 macaroon - 150?
left over kung pao chicken with fried rice - 800?
2 sam adams - 400?
1 glass red wine - 200?
then i sat on the couch and repeatedly said things like, "i wish we had some snacky food." i never ended up getting any snacky food but Nick suggested a few ideas (all too much work in my opinion) and then said, "you ALWAYS say, 'i wish we had some snacky food.'" i guess he's right now that i think about it. i'm one of those cliche people who wants to munch on crap when i'm sitting around. that is not good at all. i'm aware of it, but awareness doesn't do any good.
2250 total-ish?
it's been too long. my lips are dry.
3 wings - 600?
i heated up 4 of them. i actually thought i would eat them and then heat up more, but i couldnt' even finish the first 4. i sat in the lunch room by myself, super happy that no one was around. i tried to eat them with a fork and knife. i broke 2 tines off the plastic fork. i was making a mess and getting sauce under my finger nails. it was making me feel disgusted for so many reasons. i just really hate eating with my fingers. and i hate anyone watching me eat messy food.
so of course, coworkers started coming in. i wish i had eaten at my desk, but i hate that too. i basically had to stop eating to talk to them, and by the time they left, i just threw the 4th wing away. it was kinda cold and i just couldn't eat it. it was too much trouble.
apple - 100
1 macaroon - 150?
left over kung pao chicken with fried rice - 800?
2 sam adams - 400?
1 glass red wine - 200?
then i sat on the couch and repeatedly said things like, "i wish we had some snacky food." i never ended up getting any snacky food but Nick suggested a few ideas (all too much work in my opinion) and then said, "you ALWAYS say, 'i wish we had some snacky food.'" i guess he's right now that i think about it. i'm one of those cliche people who wants to munch on crap when i'm sitting around. that is not good at all. i'm aware of it, but awareness doesn't do any good.
2250 total-ish?
Day 28 - Snow day binge (Wed.)
nothing at all productive today. didn't do laundry, work out, eat well, read, explore.... etc. what's funny is that we got chinese and my fortune said something like, "the things you do today are good." really? wow. i guess it's nice to have a cookie tell you that the bad decisions you made throughout the day are actually good ones. thanks fortune cookie.
now this is going to be hard, cause i'm writing a day late and yesterday was basically a food/drink/lay-in-bed/lay-on-the-couch fest.
apple cinnamon oatmeal with real blueberries - 200?
hell yeah, started out well. nick brought it to me in bed. awww...
chickory coffee with milk and simple syrup - 200?
cheesy hamburger helper with bocca instead of meat - 800?
this actually would have been really healthy(ish) but nick used chicken stock instead of water and it was WAY salty. so he had to add cream, corn starch and some other crapola to fix it. i feel kinda bad that i was mean in response. but on the other hand, how many times do i have to tell him that if i want RAMEN, i don't want it all mucked up with fancy-schmancy flavors, condiments, etc? same goes for hamburger helper. i want it out of the box into my bowl. it WAS awfully nice of him to cook a couple meals for me though. :)
diet 7-up - 0
2 glasses of red wine - 300?
then i got a craving. i have no idea why it sounded so good, but i REALLY wanted chinese or thai. it turned out bangkok express was closed (probably because of the snow) so we got chinese next to blockbuster. it was a binge day both in money and food. i felt guilty and happy. conflicted.
1/2 dinner roll - 100?
why would a chinese place give us dinner rolls?
1 spring roll - 400?
half carton of kung pao chicken medium with fried rice - 1000?
3 sam adams - 500?
hardly moved from the couch. watched that owls movie, the guardians of ga'hoole or whatever. i liked it a lot. very secret of nimh. we also marathoned sex and the city. we watched something like 10 epsiodes? maybe more?
i LOVE sitting at home with nick doing nothing. it makes me feel really bad that that's what we're into: sitting on the couch and watching movies or reading books. i feel like we should change. we should become those people who are really into mountain climbing or hiking or at least bike riding. but what better day to excuse laziness than one where the world is covered in mounds of fresh snow?
3500 total-ish. omg. bad news. many many calories consumed and hardly any expounded.
now this is going to be hard, cause i'm writing a day late and yesterday was basically a food/drink/lay-in-bed/lay-on-the-couch fest.
apple cinnamon oatmeal with real blueberries - 200?
hell yeah, started out well. nick brought it to me in bed. awww...
chickory coffee with milk and simple syrup - 200?
cheesy hamburger helper with bocca instead of meat - 800?
this actually would have been really healthy(ish) but nick used chicken stock instead of water and it was WAY salty. so he had to add cream, corn starch and some other crapola to fix it. i feel kinda bad that i was mean in response. but on the other hand, how many times do i have to tell him that if i want RAMEN, i don't want it all mucked up with fancy-schmancy flavors, condiments, etc? same goes for hamburger helper. i want it out of the box into my bowl. it WAS awfully nice of him to cook a couple meals for me though. :)
diet 7-up - 0
2 glasses of red wine - 300?
then i got a craving. i have no idea why it sounded so good, but i REALLY wanted chinese or thai. it turned out bangkok express was closed (probably because of the snow) so we got chinese next to blockbuster. it was a binge day both in money and food. i felt guilty and happy. conflicted.
1/2 dinner roll - 100?
why would a chinese place give us dinner rolls?
1 spring roll - 400?
half carton of kung pao chicken medium with fried rice - 1000?
3 sam adams - 500?
hardly moved from the couch. watched that owls movie, the guardians of ga'hoole or whatever. i liked it a lot. very secret of nimh. we also marathoned sex and the city. we watched something like 10 epsiodes? maybe more?
i LOVE sitting at home with nick doing nothing. it makes me feel really bad that that's what we're into: sitting on the couch and watching movies or reading books. i feel like we should change. we should become those people who are really into mountain climbing or hiking or at least bike riding. but what better day to excuse laziness than one where the world is covered in mounds of fresh snow?
3500 total-ish. omg. bad news. many many calories consumed and hardly any expounded.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Day 27 - (Tues.)
1 large grapefruit - 200
i brought wings for lunch. i'm stressed about how to eat them. i hate eating with my hands, i don't like eating the skin and have to pick it off and i don't really like eating in front of people in general, especially when it's something really messy. i'm going to have to eat in my cubicle, and i HATE that.
well, i didn't end up having to worry about it. i went out with a coworker and client for lunch.
caesar salad - 300?
french bread - 300?
manacotti - 1000?
yeah, i shouldn't have eaten it all.
nick is on this no red meat kick, so for dinner we had veggie food. it was actually pretty good.
lettuce wraps with bocca, hommus and taboule - 300?
1 arcadia beer - 200?
2 glasses red wine - 200?
2500 total-ish
i brought wings for lunch. i'm stressed about how to eat them. i hate eating with my hands, i don't like eating the skin and have to pick it off and i don't really like eating in front of people in general, especially when it's something really messy. i'm going to have to eat in my cubicle, and i HATE that.
well, i didn't end up having to worry about it. i went out with a coworker and client for lunch.
caesar salad - 300?
french bread - 300?
manacotti - 1000?
yeah, i shouldn't have eaten it all.
nick is on this no red meat kick, so for dinner we had veggie food. it was actually pretty good.
lettuce wraps with bocca, hommus and taboule - 300?
1 arcadia beer - 200?
2 glasses red wine - 200?
2500 total-ish
Monday, January 31, 2011
Day 26 - no time to eat, much (Mon.)
coffee with white hot chocolate - 100
apple cinnamon instant oatmeal - 150
Wendy's baked potato plain - 300
small Apple Pecan Chicken Salad - 450
i have to say, i really love wendy's nutition website. SO easy to use and it has ALL the details. a calorie counter's dream!
peach greek yogurt - 150
when i got home i was waiting for nick to finish dinner before i had to run off to choir. traffic was bad, i got home late and i only had about 5 minutes to eat, so i grazed. i can't remember everything but the major things were:
1 coconut macaroon - 200?
bowl of smart start with skim - 250?
couple bites of chocolate peanut butter cake - 200?
something else, i swear. i can't remember... - ?
then there were snacks at choir, which sometimes i'm able to resist. but i wasn't this time.
wheat thins with provalone - 300?
Rose's toffee crunch - 400?
i got home and felt starved-slash-full, whatever that means. i was very ambivalent about whether i wanted to eat the wings that nick had made for me to eat when i got home. i didn't end up having any. i didn't have anything actually. it was already 9:30, so i'm glad i didn't.
2500+ total-ish?
apple cinnamon instant oatmeal - 150
Wendy's baked potato plain - 300
small Apple Pecan Chicken Salad - 450
i have to say, i really love wendy's nutition website. SO easy to use and it has ALL the details. a calorie counter's dream!
peach greek yogurt - 150
when i got home i was waiting for nick to finish dinner before i had to run off to choir. traffic was bad, i got home late and i only had about 5 minutes to eat, so i grazed. i can't remember everything but the major things were:
1 coconut macaroon - 200?
bowl of smart start with skim - 250?
couple bites of chocolate peanut butter cake - 200?
something else, i swear. i can't remember... - ?
then there were snacks at choir, which sometimes i'm able to resist. but i wasn't this time.
wheat thins with provalone - 300?
Rose's toffee crunch - 400?
i got home and felt starved-slash-full, whatever that means. i was very ambivalent about whether i wanted to eat the wings that nick had made for me to eat when i got home. i didn't end up having any. i didn't have anything actually. it was already 9:30, so i'm glad i didn't.
2500+ total-ish?
Day 25 - "Omg, I'm starving." (Sun.)
slept late.
more leftover pizza. eff. even *I* can't eat THAT much pizza.
2 pieces - 600?
then concertness, then eat out with mom and Nick.
at least 20 pieces of sushi of all sorts, ginger salad & miso soup - 1700?
could be way less or way more... there was tempura and cream cheese involved in some of them, but others were way healthy. no idea... Asahi Sushi in Clinton Twp was awesome though. MOM even ate a piece of tempura salmon with cream cheese!
2 japanese beers - 400?
2 arcadia beers at home - 400?
chocolate with peanut butter - 600?
omg. for not eating most of the day, wow.
I must have said, “I’m starving,” at least 3 times at the sushi place yesterday. Mom and Nick kept saying, I’m not that hungry. And in response I’d be like, well, I’m STARVING.
I need to get this feeling and this phrase out of my life. First, it’s my fault for hardly eating all day, then I feel like I AM starving, even though I have no real idea what that concept is like. Not like I’m a starving child in a 3rd world country. I’m just a whiny middle class American.
Second, the phrase makes me feel empowered to eat whatever I want, pig out. My stomach told my brain, I hardly ate anything today, so I feel like I’m starving, so I should be able to eat until I’m stuffed. And then my brain says, it totally makes sense, stomach, I agree with you. Then I overeat, and I feel like somehow it’s warranted or forgiven, even though I go back to put the totals down and I cringe. I mean, I completely flinch. It makes typing the words and the numbers painful. Ugh.
then i realize that this food diary makes me rethink a very fun and satisfying experience as negative. shit. i had a great time at dinner. now after typing this it's all colored black in my memory.
3700 total-ish. sick. (but yummy. i'm trying to console myself because a lot of the food was relatively healthy (fish and veggies and rice...))
more leftover pizza. eff. even *I* can't eat THAT much pizza.
2 pieces - 600?
then concertness, then eat out with mom and Nick.
at least 20 pieces of sushi of all sorts, ginger salad & miso soup - 1700?
could be way less or way more... there was tempura and cream cheese involved in some of them, but others were way healthy. no idea... Asahi Sushi in Clinton Twp was awesome though. MOM even ate a piece of tempura salmon with cream cheese!
2 japanese beers - 400?
2 arcadia beers at home - 400?
chocolate with peanut butter - 600?
omg. for not eating most of the day, wow.
I must have said, “I’m starving,” at least 3 times at the sushi place yesterday. Mom and Nick kept saying, I’m not that hungry. And in response I’d be like, well, I’m STARVING.
I need to get this feeling and this phrase out of my life. First, it’s my fault for hardly eating all day, then I feel like I AM starving, even though I have no real idea what that concept is like. Not like I’m a starving child in a 3rd world country. I’m just a whiny middle class American.
Second, the phrase makes me feel empowered to eat whatever I want, pig out. My stomach told my brain, I hardly ate anything today, so I feel like I’m starving, so I should be able to eat until I’m stuffed. And then my brain says, it totally makes sense, stomach, I agree with you. Then I overeat, and I feel like somehow it’s warranted or forgiven, even though I go back to put the totals down and I cringe. I mean, I completely flinch. It makes typing the words and the numbers painful. Ugh.
then i realize that this food diary makes me rethink a very fun and satisfying experience as negative. shit. i had a great time at dinner. now after typing this it's all colored black in my memory.
3700 total-ish. sick. (but yummy. i'm trying to console myself because a lot of the food was relatively healthy (fish and veggies and rice...))
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