am i old, or wise? or both..

today i actually said, in reference to a question about the cosmetics of my smile, well, actually, i think these days i'm more concerned about my health than my appearance.  uh, where the fuck did THAT come from?  and... is it true?

eff. i made (another) list.

am i going to stop drinking?  am i going to reject technology?  build a winter garden?  learn to play the guitar?

basically 2 doctors in 2 days said my body's pissed.  and starting to fight back.  even my armpits have started rejecting deodorant (ok, fine antiperspirant)

my i'm dying list:

Hyperlipidemia
Hypolipoproteinemia
Body Mass Index BMI
foot problems
gum disease
dehydration
back problems
tooth health
sinus issues
skin aging
sleep issues
lipoid disorders
changing moles
Abnormal swallowing
Essential hypertension
pre diabetes mellitus
Depression
armpit rash
metabolic disease / leaky gut
weak/tired
Knee problems
pelvic floor
thyroid issues
heart palpatations
spider veins

this makes me sound like i'm 69 in a couple weeks, not 39.  get with it, me!

Hiatus. Kick in the face. Or maybe a lot of hype for no reason

i think i need to start journaling a journey i'm not sure if i'm going to take.  i immediately thought i should create a new blog, but then i realized how many unfinished blogs i have (a metaphor for my life?) and decided this one is available (unused for 6 years?!?) and probably very apt for the task of chronicling a transition from ill health, mental unwellness, complete lack of self-discipline and the true/renewed desire to take care of myself without excuses. 

god i feel like this is such a reactionary way to move forward, and i immediately assume that i'll fail and this blog will fall to ignored status again.  and really, am i going to journal ON TOP OF all the other stuff my doctor told me to do and consider and change and be strong about?  am i really going to spend that obscene amount of money to join the holistic wellness program she recommends?  am i going to become a guru who other people look to as a story of extreme success that i've turned into a very lucrative business?  omg...  this is the crazy shit my brain does.  one extreme or the other!  always. 

so let's see...  super high blood pressure, super high cholesterol, extreme fatigue, a thyroid that is likely struggling to function, complete rejection of antiperspirant, problems swallowing, need for CBT and kegal exercises... i was going to keep going, but at that point i realized what a fucking mess i really am. 

i'm wondering sometimes if i'm living in some sort of test.  like i'm too risk averse and therefore i'll never actually accomplish anything.  like, was i meant to just quit my job today, "give it to god" (or realistically my faith in hard work and karma), focus on being there for my family, sleeping enough, eating well and maybe actually cooking, getting exercise, starting a business that i truly care about, getting myself and my family immersed in nature, treat everyone more nicely, have time for the people i care about, stop wasting time on tv and beer and, well, fuck, other things i "love"...  to stop squandering the one life i have.   

i'm scared of diabetes, and heart disease and Alzheimers and personal failure.  i'm not sure if i'm scared of mortality.  sometimes i think my family might even be better off with someone else at the helm.  what i guess i'm most worried about is quality of life.  i'm not as scared of dying as i am about living without hope and health and benefit to the ones i love.  if i'm living to feel miserable and bring down everyone i'm trying to support, what's the point of living?  i know i know, melodrama.  am i suicidal?  absolutely not.  i'm just thinking in black and white.  as usual.  but how the hell do i think in grey?  how do i strive for happy mediums?  is that even possible? 

and a life coach can help?  a psychologist can help?  a nutritionist, or a functional doctor or a team of very expensive people who bother me into success? 

a life coach...  here's the stupid crap i sent my last one, and they i promptly ignored her offers to help: 

1.       Self depreciation

2.       Being in the now

It all comes together

-          Patient history questionnaire

-          Captain Fantastic

-          Mindful Seminar

-          Farm/homestead dreams

Marisa’s daily highs and lows

Destiny appointment

Guided mediation – try Jason Stephenson

Square breathing

Breath – blue skies in, grey skies out

Please describe how you would like to enhance your life’s purpose and meaning.

All aspects - Being a better wife and mother which to me means more patience, simplifying, finding happiness daily.  Also living a more healthy lifestyle: eating habits, stress, exercise, and scheduling it all.  Finding more time for the truly important things in life, and breaking bad habits.  Making myself a priority without feeling guilty or like I'm missing something in my family members' lives.  I want to find a religious community that fits my family's values.  I want money to have less of a hold on my life.

Please describe how purpose and meaning fit into your life currently

My husband and children are everything to me.  Accomplishment at work.  I like to dream about the things I will accomplish, places I will go, my future and my family's future...  these dreams keep me going. 

When you think about the meaning and purpose in your life, what change would you like to see in the next six months?

The paradox of wasting less of my precious time, while simultaneously finding a way to lessen my anxiety and truly have moments of enjoyment and relaxation.  Start and stick with new healthy routines like regular yoga, reading, writing, more contact with the outdoors.  I want to be more frugal and find ways to replace costly activities, and ultimately get out of debt.  Start acting on all my big dreams instead of always just dreaming – which includes figuring out which of them I want to focus on.

Breaking your six-month goal into smaller, manageable chunks makes it more doable. With that in mind, what goal would you like to set for the coming month?

Yoga/Pilates 3 times per week or more. 

Clean unnecessary clutter out of my house and monetize it. 

Set aside designated time with my husband and discuss my goals.

Begin to accept that positivity and self-help are not for suckers.

What is your primary motivation for wanting to work on this change?

To feel genuinely happy about who I am and let this positively affect my family. 

When you recall past successes, what strengths or personal characteristics contributed to your success?

Empathy, an analytical mindset, meticulous investigation, perfectionism, commitment to truth and thirst for knowledge

What are your sources of inspiration in life (e.g. literature or poetry, music, leaders or everyday heroes, religion or spirituality, etc.)?

My family inspires me.  I love literature, poetry, music, movies, food, the environment and spending time in nature, great writers, scholars, humanitarians and inventors, advances in technology.